37 Days.

WordPress alerted me that it’s been 37 days since my last post so I guess that means I should sit down and write!

I’m on a dating hiatus so there hasn’t been anything to write about. I’m actually considering giving up on trying to find my life partner all together, but for now it’s just a hiatus.

I don’t want to get hurt again.

I can’t get hurt again.

Willa has no idea that my world crumbled in front of our eyes. I’ve been very careful not to break down in front of her. It’s much easier because she’s a baby. What happens if my heart gets broken when she knows what the hell is going on? No child should have to see their parent go through the depths of hell. Not to mention the fact that if I did meet a nice guy, he is SCREWED.

“Hey honey, where are you?”

“I’m at work.”

“Are you really at work??? Take a picture and send it to me NOW! Time stamp it! I don’t believe youuuuuuu!!!”

Who wants to date a woman with this much baggage and zero trust in her heart?

The crazy thing is, I’m totally ok with this. It brings me peace.

I want to be happy alone and with Willa. I want to start making money again, not depend on Afkah for anything, and be able to take my kid to Disney’s Aulani Resort in Hawaii without being strapped for cash. This is what I fantasize about instead of fantasizing about some man who will sweep me off my feet.

I mentioned I was going to get a new personal training certification, different from the general one I have now.

I did what I said.

Studied my ass off, turned in 19 pages of essay questions with a case study, and two weeks later I received an email that I passed the test and am now a Certified Pre/Postnatal Exercise Specialist. I had professional pictures taken which I’m very happy with. I usually HATE pictures of myself but am pleased with how they came out. My abs look tight and my fro is in full force. My new website is under construction and my business cards are being printed. It feels great to know I’m staying positive and moving forward with my new life goals.

So, generally, I’m feeling good.

I had a breakthrough in therapy regarding Afkah.

I realized it’s my fault, not his, and it’s way easier to be mad at myself. I love myself and can forgive myself so it’s a much better way for me to look at the situation.

Makes no sense, right?

It does. Check it out:

I always knew the kind of person Afkah is. He showed me early on. If someone shows you who they are you really should believe them. I was dumb. Desperate and dumb. I wanted a husband, a family, and settled for a bad man. It’s my fault. He can’t help that he’s a lying scumbag. He can’t. It’s who he is and who he’s always been. I didn’t have to marry him. I did. We had some wonderful times. I got an amazing child out of it. Are Afkah and I besties? God no. But we do go on outings together and I’m way less angry at him. It makes my days happier. And that’s what’s important to me now.

I’m sure you’re wondering about Pathy. I hesitate to write about her because she really does scare the shit out of me.

But I shall.

As you know, her messages to me were quite nice and she didn’t seem very crazy. The emails she sent to my husband were crazy but I understood she was sad that he threw her out like garbage again. I mean, she should’ve expected, when you fuck a married man with a pregnant wife in a car, you are garbage, so you deserve to be treated as such, but I understood her because she somehow doesn’t see it this way. But then something happened to solidify her insanity. So, I never responded to any of her messages. This must’ve gotten her in a tizzy because she did something really nuts. I wish I could screen shot this and post it here but you would see her name, and I wouldn’t know how to do that on this blog even if you couldn’t see her name. I will try to recreate it the best I can. Over the Facebook messenger this is what I saw:

Pathy (but it says her actual name) changed the emoji to: horse emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: poodle emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: horse emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: bomb going off emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: poodle emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: horse emoji

Pathy changed the color of the conversation to: lavender

Pathy changed the emoji to: poodle

Pathy changed the emoji to: horse

Pathy changed the emoji to: bomb

AND ON AND ON AND ON. Kept going like 15 more times.

I swear. She obviously didn’t know I could see every time she changed it so I’m sure she’s mortified that I know she spent God knows how much time changing the emoji and conversation colors. She ended up choosing the horse emoji, FYI. She also told me she isn’t going to read this blog anymore because this whole situation has become too toxic. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. DYING. Oh, now it’s toxic? And riiiiight, I’m sure she goes nowhere near this blog. Wink emoji.

All of this being said, I swear on my life I am rooting for them to get back together because I think they are the perfect pair. And maybe if they’re together it will calm her down and she won’t be as cookoo.

So here I am!

It’s one day at a time but today and the last few weeks I’ve been pretty chill and at peace.

That’s all I’ve got and thank you for reading

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The Great Fro Of 2017.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!
I have been dreading this week.
For many years I’ve spent Christmas on the east coast with my husband, his friends, and family.
It’s a time I have truly cherished.
Afkah and I get to spend quality time together, we get to see his friends who I adore and consider my friends too, and not worry about about work and LA traffic.  I’d get to be with my mother and father in law, eating delicious meals she cooks, going to our favorite restaurants “back home,” and playing games around their dining room table. Afkah and I would throw an annual dinner party for all of our peeps there, where we would spend hours laughing and catching up. We go to his Aunt’s house Christmas Eve, tell stories about years past, which would make us all crack up.
I LOVED IT.
That’s obviously not the case for Christmas 2016.
Afkah said I’m welcome to come but, uuhhhm, I’ll pass this time. Thanks.
Afkah’s best friend’s girlfriend Rachel was going to come stay with me for a few days over this time, because we are quite close, spend nearly every day together over the Christmas holiday, and we were really going to miss each other this year. Unfortunately, Afkah bought his tickets with Willa too late, so Rachel and I have to take a rain check.
I was terrified I’d be missing Willa intensely. I’ve only spent a few weekends away from her and now she’s gone for a week? She’s also at a point where she’s very attached to me, and I thought she’d be so angry and hurt that I abandoned her. All of this not to mention the fact that I’m mourning the ghosts of Christmases past, it’s been a lot to deal with. The day they left I weighed 89lbs. Yeah, people, I know that’s not cute. I’m a health and fitness professional, have never had any “food issues,” and know this is not cool. And I’m an eater. I live to eat, not eat to live, but the weeks before they left I really was so down the thought of food made me cringe. I was just eating to live.
I made a ton of plans for this week.
My sister and I were signed up to build a house for Habitat For Humanity which unfortunately was cancelled due to the rain.
Instead we ran a bunch of errands and actually had an amazing day. Yes, I missed my little lady, but as we were walking out of the Whole Food’s parking lot in the rain I exclaimed, “I love only trying to keep myself alive and not being responsible for anyone else!”
Dare I say, I’m really loving my freedom and having a wonderful week.
I don’t have to worry about anything except myself and it’s liberating. I had no idea I really needed this break from responsibility. I’m relishing it.
Afkah sends me pics and videos of Willa and we FaceTime every day. She’s having a blast and doesn’t seem to be missing me at all which is more than I could’ve hoped for. She looks at our Christmas card at my inlaws’ house and exclaims, “Mama!!!!” but has not been longing for me at all it seems. I’m relieved.
I stayed with some of my best friends over Christmas (my family is Jewish and doesn’t do Christmas,) and it was perfect. We walked to our friends’ super fun Christmas Eve party where I met a ton of interesting people and we had our own party on Christmas Day.
I will now tell a side story about Christmas Eve and my hair.
So, I’ve been straightening my hair for over a decade.
I have crazy curls and they were slightly traumatizing as a child. I had a huge fro growing up and even though I was told it was “cute” I never loved it. I grew it out, learned how to manage it, and with the help of A LOT of products I could make it look pretty. It was really a part of my identity; Ali P., the girl with the long curly hair. As soon as I discovered my first good flat iron, I never looked back. Now, Willa’s “real hair” is coming in. And it’s just like mama’s. Tight little ringlets which are freaking adorable. I realized I never want her to see me doing my hair and say, “Mommy, why do you burn the curls out of your hair? Can I burn the curls out of mine?” A few weeks ago I decided I’m not going to iron my hair anymore. Let us remember that I am also growing out a pixie cut so the result is this crazy curly mop on my head. The first week or so I wore loose beanies, with little curly tendrils coming out at the front. That sort of broke me in. One day I decided I would just go for it. I would rock the fro without a hat.
And I rocked it.
I actually love it.
I get insecure about it at times but for the most part I feel unique, and happy to be embracing the real me.
I went to a party on Friday night and the hair response from some of my old pals was encouraging.
On Christmas Eve I was all dolled up and had a wave of insecurity about my hair. I searched for a Santa hat to wear so I could hide the mop. Nobody had one. I walked into the party and within minutes one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen said to me, “OH MY GOD! I love your hair!!!” I got teary eyed and I hugged this stranger. It was pretty cool. My friends who saw me scrounging for a Santa hat were loving this interaction.
End of hair story.
New topic.
As you know, Afkah pays all of my bills. I live in fear of the day that he tells me that Pathy is pregnant and I’m on my own. I came to a decision I need to learn how to support myself again. I love being a trainer. If I could pick any job, that’s what it would be. The problem is, I lost almost all of my clients when I had Willa and I’m having a terrible time trying to build it back up to what it was. I have schedule restraints now, and quite frankly I lost the chutzpah I once had to try to drum up business. I lost the I the ability to hustle. I decided I’d go back to school and switch careers. Dental hygienist, paralegal, pysical therapist,  something, anything with benefits, a set schedule, and something where I could do my job and forget about it at home. A job where I can pay the bills and take my kid to Disney’s Aulani resort in Hawaii. My cousin is a career college counselor so she gave me a bunch of tests to take. Personality tests, interest tests, etc. She told me that according to the tests I’d be a great personal trainer, but she understands I want to go a different route so she’d help me figure out what schooling I’d need. I completed some college after high school but I was also a working actress and it was hard to go to class because I’d book a show or commercial and have to work. I dropped out. She said the classes I’d need to take were things like Chemistry, biology, statistics, and basically everything that makes me want to barf.
We had a meeting where we really mapped out my goals and came up with this:
1. I am going to get a higher certification where I am a pre and postnatal personal training specialist.
2. I am going to re-brand myself with this as my specialization.
3. I will network with obstetricians, physical therapists, mommy and me teachers, etc.
4. By the end of June I will have this certification, have at least 25-35 sessions a week, and 3-5 ongoing referral sources.
And if I don’t, I will revisit the “real job” path.
And that’s that.
New topic:
So, after my last blog post I got a Facebook message, an Instagram message, and a photo comment from Pathy. Her message was quite nice, actually, and she didn’t seem unstable. She said that Afkah is still lying about their relationship. That she has met Willa and that Willa’s “favorite toy” is the drum set which she bought her. Well, Afkah lied about her being around Willa, so totally not shocked. She said he says horrible things about me too, which I already know, and that I’m the one who needs to be careful. Yes, I’m aware of this, but the difference is that I’ve never wanted him back after I found out he cheated. I want him to stop hurting me and lying to me, but I don’t want to be with this man. She said he’s a “narcissist and a sociopath and has much deeper routed issues than she thought.”
Immediately I called Afkah to tell him about this. He says he brought Willa to his apartment to pick something up and Pathy was conveniently walking her dog again and saw Willa with him. “That is wasn’t really a meeting.” Hahahahaaaa he’s the best!
While we were on the phone he forwarded me 3 emails from her. The first said she and I have a mutual friend  who let her know I was coming home with him, and that’s why he blocked her again. So I couldn’t see his phone. She was pretty much begging him to talk to her because the “holidays are emotional for her” and not speaking to him would make it extra hard. She hopes Willa likes the gift she made for her. That even though they’re not “in a relationship anymore” he should still have love for her and acknowledge her. The next emails got more and more angry, saying he’s the worst person she knows and that him and I deserve each other and she’s going to sue me for talking about her this blog. I have spoken to a lawyer too, a real lawyer, not one in my head, and there’s nothing she can do. I don’t use her name, we don’t have any mutual friends, so not sure why she’d waste time threatening that, but it’s cool.
Look, I’m down with Pathy now, and I am supportive of them getting back together. I swear on my life I was fantasizing about all of us having lunch at a restaurant and having a good time. I don’t want to have a sit down with her alone, don’t really want to see possible pictures of her with my family and texts where he tells her he loves her and hates me, don’t think it’s necessary. Maybe she doesn’t have those things, I don’t want to know either way.
I do get waves of terror sometimes but for the most part feel at peace by accepting their relationship which I have no doubt will rekindle, especially since I’m all for it. I have no desire to be friends with Afkah at this moment. He doesn’t have my back and never really has it seems. As a matter of fact, he seems to really just like stabbing me in it. If I didn’t have to have him in my life it would be awesome, but as you all know, that will never be the case, and he’s good to Willa and she deserves that.
Today I’m going to do Project Angel Food deliveries with my cousin Joanna, where we will be delivering meals to sick people around LA. Tomorrow I have clients and a birthday dinner at night. Wednesday I have therapy then will be reunited with my angel. Thursday we have a family Hanukkah party and Friday we have a Hanukkah party with all my mommy friends and Willa’s toddler besties. Willa and I will head up to a friend’s cabin in Big Bear to celebrate New Years where she’ll be surrounded by kids she loves.
All is ok. I am a lucky mama.
Happy Holidays and thank you for reading!

Wipes and Gripes?

I haven’t written in a goodly long while.

This is supposed to be a blog about my dating life but has obviously turned into something else.

I decided I wanted to keep the focus on my dating and not write about other things going on in my life because I think my readers would get bored with updates on my day to day or week to week life updates when there’s nothing really juicy to report. Being that it’s almost a new year combined with Willa being away in Pennsylvania with “Afkah” for a week, I have chosen to give my wonderful readers an update as to what’s been going on in my life. A lot is changing for me.

Everyone always wants the “Afkah” update so I’ll talk about that nitwit first.

I found out about his affair with “Pathy” at the beginning of September.

Side note if it’s your first time reading:

AFKAH stands for Artist Formerly Known as Husband

Pathy stands for Pathetic Loser.

Let’s backtrack on the facts.

Afkah left me in January of 2016 because he was “depressed and not happy.”

In this blog I defended him time after time, saying he’s not a bad person, he just fell out of love with me.

September 2016, I found out he had an 18 month affair with Pathy, the woman who he cheated on me with in 2012, therefore doing the meanest thing he could do to me aside from any sort of physical violence. He started this affair, where he said they would meet in cars and hotels, while I was pregnant. The happiest time of my life, which is now completely tainted.

I write a tell-all post after I find out about the affair.

Afkah tells me he hasn’t liked her for many, many, months and now that everything is out in the open, he can stop seeing Pathy because he’s not afraid of her telling me about their relationship anymore. He said he was with her for so long because every time he tried to end it with her she would go on text rants saying he’s “FUCKED,” and that she’s going to ruin his life. And last Christmas/New Years when we were back east with his family she was threatening to “tell the family” to ruin everyone’s holiday. We all know about how he cheated on her with the waitress, she found out and confronted the waitress at the waitress’s work. We also know how after I published the blog about their affair and he broke up her with as soon as I found out, she threatened physical violence against me. Yes, that’s right, against the woman who’s husband you started  fucking while she was pregnant. Afkah says Pathy says she’s the victim in all this. It’s truly incredible.

So, for obvious reasons, I’m terrified of Pathy.

Afkah frequently says he is sorry he “showed no character,” and made the, “biggest mistake of his life that wasn’t worth it and wishes he could do over.”

He makes it clear he doesn’t think we should be a couple, and NEITHER DO I, but he misses our life tremendously and is going to try to create new memories as our lives move on.

I am still fuming fucking angry with him, and don’t trust him AT ALL, but it is beyond nice to know he is trying to be the good person he says he is by being honest with me for the past few months.

I ask Afkah several times a week if he’s back together with her yet, because I truly think they deserve each other and will end up together. Weak people with no morals should live twisted, miserable lives together.

Afkah says the same things over and over, with conviction and a little irritation. Things like this:

“SHE IS OUT OF MY LIFE AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.”

“SHE RUINED MY LIFE AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE THAT WOMAN AGAIN.”

“THE ONLY WAY SHE WILL BE BACK IN MY LIFE IS IF YOU BLOG ABOUT IT.”

He even showed me text messages he sent to her, telling her he was blocking her on his phone, and that he was no longer going to engage with her.

I sort of believed it, but still frequently asked him if he was seeing her again. He promised he wasn’t and this actually provided me with a little bit of comfort.

Afkah has been really trying to mend our friendship. Or so he says. He says his priority in life is “co-parent harmoniously” and eventually be wonderful friends when I can finally trust and forgive him again. We go to the nighttime lights at the zoo, to Travel Town, read to Willa in bed, have dinners, and on Thanksgiving he came over for a lovely breakfast I made.  I actually did believe that getting our “family” back together was his main focus, and as long as he kept saying that this “unstable woman” (as he calls her,) is not in his life, I would try to be friends as well. I still think he’s a cheating, lying, scumbag, but it’s easier for everyone if we can have a good time in front of the kid. And it’s fun.

Cut to this past Sunday night.

He asks if he can come see Willa and I know something fishy is going on  because in the almost year we’ve been separated he’s come over on a “night off” maybe once.

We snuggle up and read in my bed then put Willa down to sleep in her room. He says he needs to talk to me.

Immediately my heart starts to beat in my ears.

Shit, I’m shaking now as I type this part.

He sees my physical reaction and says, “why do you always think it’s going to be something bad?”

Hmmmm, I wonder???

I am paraphrasing the next bit here for the most part. Any exact quote I remember I will use actual quotation marks.

He tells me he in the past he would make horrible mistakes. He would make mistakes, lie about them, and I’d find out and be completely destroyed. He doesn’t want to do that anymore so he’s going to be honest with me right now.

He tells me that he did block Path for “a long time.”

Side note:

He first blocked her in early September. It isn’t even January. Not sure what this person considers a “long time,” feels pretty short to me.

End side note.

He says although she was blocked from his phone, he would receive countless emails from her and that she would show up at his apartment. She lives “in his neighborhood” (I later find out he lives on her street,) and sees when his car is there. She walks her dog “coincidentally” by his place as soon as he gets home. They sit outside his place and he explains why they can’t be together and that he’s not and never has been in love with her. That there’s been “too much trauma” for them to share anything else.

He tells me it’s completely insane and he’s angry with himself for making this same horrible mistake again by letting her back in his life. This is why he doesn’t want me to know where he lives. He said he gave up his apartment starting January 1 and may have to sleep on my couch because he has to get away from Pathy because she’s “unstable and ruining his life.”

I’m fucking pissed.

He is expecting a pat on the back for being honest with me finally. Several months after this woman has in fact been very much back in his life, he’s expecting me to be okay with it because he’s now telling me about it. He’s forgetting there were about 67 times I’d asked him over the past few weeks/months where he’s assured me it was the exact opposite but now he’s showing character and telling me.

I’m not okay with it.

I asked him, “Why now? Why today? What did you do to her??? What is she going to do to me???”

Then it all comes out.

Oh Afkah! Ya never let us down!!

He says she emailed him over a few months ago saying that the two of them had been through so much together they should at least be friends. He says he makes her swear that they will be just friends. He says after a few days it was clear he had made a mistake and she didn’t want to be “just friends.” She went “crazy,” as he says. If he didn’t text her in the morning she would harass him with texts all day. She threatened to talk to me. So, “FOR MY SAFETY, AND TO SPARE MY FEELINGS, HE DID NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT” and continued this “friendship” with her. He wanted to “tell her to fuck off” so many times over the past few months, but couldn’t to “PROTECT ME.”

Please, my readers, please tell me you agree with me that this is COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. Because, Afkah doesn’t really think it is. I was literally jumping around my apartment, pacing like a crackhead while having this conversation with him. He said my reaction was scaring him. I have no idea why in the hell I would be but I was COMPLETELY SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED! I said to him, “What was the meanest thing you could do to me while I was pregnant and with a baby? Have an affair with Pathy. You did it, it literally destroyed me, and now you swear you will never hurt me again and your main priority is building a life of trust and friendship with me, and a loving environment for our daughter. You had every chance to do that but being ‘friends’ with Pathy was more clearly more important. I don’t believe you were trying to protect me. You’ve said countless times that everything is out in the open and Pathy couldn’t do anything to hurt us. But somehow that changed and she’s all the sudden going to accost me and ‘tell me everything’ so you have to ‘keep her close,’ as you say? So she doesn’t hurt me? You’re really thinking I’m going to believe this? What did you do to her, to make this ‘friendship’ of several months end again? Were you fucking her?”

He replies:

“Once.”

What. The. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkk.

Ouch. Ouch again.

I’ll tell you why this hurts so much.

He is  smart guy. He knows I will find out.

I always do.

He cares so little about me that he would choose sex and some crazy stalking friendship with a person he “hates” over actually really being who he says he is being; an honest, kind, and decent ex husband to someone he hurt tremendously… Who didn’t deserve it.

But nope!

He does the same thing again.

And I am piiiiiiissssseddddd.

He is getting extremely frustrated with what he thinks are my over the top reactions.

He says this is why he lies. Because he’s afraid of my reactions.

I tell him to, “STOP DOING BAD THINGS AND I WON’T HAVE BAD REACTIONS. This is me, I’m expressive and emotional. Tell me some good news FOR ONCE and I will show over to top excitement for you.”

He says he honestly thinks I should be happy she’s “out of his life for good” and that he is making a change for the better and telling me instead of me finding out another way.

I said it was really hard to congratulate him. That he had two months to tell me this and the only reason he’s telling me now was because something explosive must’ve recently happened between them. And WHY THE FUCK would I EVER believe him again?

I tell him now more than ever I think they’ll end up together and I will accept it. I say I will do my best to make sure Willa is never around her, but eventually I’ll have no control over that. This is not the kind of role model I want for my daughter. He agrees and says Pathy has never been in Willa’s presence and never will. I tell him he should be careful what he says because she’ll probably show me a selfie of the three of them while I was in Palm Springs for my birthday. If their relationship is anything like he says it is, it’s pretty awful, and I think he deserves a relationship like that. He says they barely go out because he’s scared he’ll be seen. He says she has some weird living situation and he sleeps on some sort of small sofa so they’ve only spent the full night together a handful of times over the 18 plus months they spent together. He says she’s not funny and their conversations mostly consist of her explaining to him why they should finally be a couple since the truth is out. That they were free to be together at last. Then him telling her why they can’t and will never be together. He said it’s not deep.

He said what we had was deep and that’s why he wants to do anything to be friends and wants nothing to do with her. That is really wasn’t worth it. He says he feels very comfortable with her sexually because he doesn’t respect her, (typical Madonna/whore complex, but I don’t like to justify it with titles,) and they had a lot of sex, so the last time they did it was more of “hate sex.” And that it was a “mistake.”

Man.

This dude sure does make a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that HURT PEOPLE. And I don’t really think that’s forgivable after a certain point.

Pathy, if you still read my blog, know this: he’s yours now. You can be the only one (we know of) sending him texts throughout the day about what an asshole he is. I’m not happy about it, but I do accept that you will be in my life forever. Afkah will forget all the “crazy” things you’ve done, and you’ll continue to have amazing sex and lots of talks about your relationship. As far as I’m not concerned, I don’t really think you’re as crazy as he says. He may have promised you the world that first time you blew him in the car. He’s hot, I get it. You fell in love with a selfish asshole and he broke your heart. That sucks and I actually feel for you. But it can’t be too big of a surprise. He did cheat on his pregnant wife…This is the kind of man you’re dealing with and you’ve known from the start. But still, we will have to be friends some day and eventually I’ll be numb enough to do so. And maybe you’re a fun chick.

Afkah and I had a life together. We traveled, dined at incredible restaurants together, brushed our teeth together, laughed together, cried together, celebrated holidays together with families, got married, and had a child.

If he could treat me the way he did after all we went through together, I urge you to be careful, Pathy. I know he’s said horrible things about me to you so I take everything he says to me about you with a grain of salt as I don’t believe the stream of bullshit that flows out of his mouth.

As I said earlier, Afkah has said many times that the only way Pathy could come back into his life is if I bring her back in, by blogging about it or meeting up with her. So I didn’t really blog about it. I wanted to keep her out of our lives. Come to find out that was more bullshit and she in fact was back in the picture.

Can someone explain to me why I shouldn’t blog about it at this point?

I get much relief from writing and let’s face it…This post wouldn’t exist if he didn’t stick his penis where he says it doesn’t belong. Hashtag priorities.

All this being said, I don’t know what to believe. Afkah is the source of information for this story, and we know he’s not exactly forthcoming with accurate information generally.

I just want some peace and happiness.

Afkah will say that writing this blog is the opposite way to bring myself peace and happiness. He’ll also most likely say that now he REALLY can’t tell me anything because he doesn’t trust I won’t blog about it. Well, what difference does that make if I don’t believe anything anyway?

I guess we’ll see.

Two steps forward, 5 steps back, but I have learned a lot.

I have many life changes coming in the new year that I’m excited and scared about.

I have Christmas and New Years plans that I’m actually really looking forward to.

Willa’s away for the next few days so I’m going to write about them in a day or so. This post is way too long already.

The next entry will be funny and inspiring, I swear!

Thanks for reading.

Realization.

I’ve always known this about myself but have been trying to fool myself of late because I want to be something I’m not.
I’m not a booty-call kind of chick.
I feel weird today.
Experiencing something so personal with someone I’m not in love with or starting to fall in love with isn’t really my jam, I guess.
Yesterday and the night of I was totally cool with it but now I’m overthinking and don’t love this feeling.
Damn!
I’ve been talking for weeks about how I just want a casual, fun hook-up and now that it’s happened I feel weird. It’s just such a personal thing and in no way “casual” to me. It never really has been. Perhaps because my husband had lots of casual sex while I was pregnant and after I was pregnant and it makes me want to show myself, “hey! I can do this too!”
I don’t think I want to anymore. I know the guy is reading this right now and feeling awful. He’s awesome! He’s just a friend, not a boyfriend, and it’s a “boyfriend” kind of thing for me. I assume him and I are on the same page that we’re not bf/gf material anyways.
I don’t know what the next step is.
Do I do the old, “work on yourself” bit with no distractions? I’m in therapy, exercising, growing the hair out, eating clean, etc.
Or do I do the old, “work on yourself” bit and still try to find love?
As we all know, I hate the process. Detest it.
I sure do love it when I’ve found him and the feeling is mutual though. I’m a great girlfriend/wife and love being in a partnership. I miss it and I want it.
So, yeah.
Maybe there will be another blog entry soon, maybe not.
Thank you for reading!

I Got Over the Hump.

It happened to happen on hump day.

Not going to say too much about this one.

Was it fun?

Yes, very much.

Was it hot?

Totes.

Do I feel weird today?

Not really. Not at all, actually.

Did it make me miss “Afkah”?

Fuck no.

I’ve learned that I do prefer being intimate with someone I’m in a relationship with, which I think most girls (except “Pathy” who prefers being with men who are in relationships with other women) feel as well, but I do think I’ve found my fun friend who I can call late night to worship my body and have some laughs.

I guess I’ll end here. My shortest entry yet.

If it’s your first time reading, “AFKAH” stands for Artist Formerly Known as Husband.

Thanks for reading!

Fifth First Date.

Yeah, so I’m back.
I haven’t written for quite a bit and I guess I can blame the fact that not a whole hell of a lot has been going on.  Well, nothing that anyone would really want to read about, I suppose.
I obviously never hung out with “Hank.” A day or two after my last blog came out I was chatting with my friend Brad at work. He asked me who Hank really was and I told him. Brad informed me that Hank was at the gym more than I thought, and there could be a strong potential for weirdness at the workplace.  That’s exactly what I do not want in my life. Even if it were just a hook up, it could definitely get awkward if I have to see him whenever I’m at work.
So that’s that.
I started going to therapy. You’re all probably thinking, “Finally.”
Well, I am.
I’ve been in therapy a few times in my life, and therapists are all pretty different. This one seems to be the kind that doesn’t give advice or opinions, she sort of turns my questions around to make me answer them myself. I prefer this style and I really dig her but I do wish I could go back to the therapist I went to with “Afkah” (Artist Formerly Known As Husband if it’s your first time reading) before we got married. She’s super expensive and all the way in Silverlake which is quite a hike from where I live now. Afkah and I lived much closer so it was convenient and she was with us through the thick of it. It would be nice to have a therapist who already knows me and my story. And someone who knows Afkah too. But whatever, that’s not happening so it’s good that I’m down with the new chick too.
Blah, blah, blah, therapy.
Everyone always wants the Afkah update so here goes:
Well, I still hate him.

I don’t know if I really hate him or am just so fucking angry and disgusted that it makes me not want to look him in the eye. I have moments of peace with him but most of the time I try to not look at him. Really, sometimes if I have to talk to him I look at the floor or the side of his head. Haha, I’m laughing a little. It’s awfully sad but true. And I see him a lot. I’m not sure what possessed me but yesterday I went with him and Willa to The Getty Center and dinner at Don Antonio’s. I haven’t hung out with them in public for a couple of months and I’m embarrassed to say it was fun. Dancing, art viewing, and Willa being her usual hilarious self. The weather was perfect and there was a DJ playing Afrobeat music which Afkah and I both love since we saw the musical “Fela” years ago about the Nigerian musician Fela Kuti. When we were waiting for the tram to leave The Getty the sunset was stunning.  Then at dinner we shared some sizzling shrimp/steak fajitas which were delish and laughs were shared by all three of us. A few times I looked at him and said that he was a Grade A Dipshit for making such horrible choices and for completely disrespecting me. A few times I told him that sometimes I forget what a selfish moron he is but then I always remember and feel really annoyed and want him far away from me. I must say, however, that the three of us have a good time. When he was leaving at the end of the night after he bathed Willa and put her to bed he looked at me very sincerely, thanked me for coming with them, and said he had a really wonderful time. I think I smirked and said something like, “yeah, whatever.”

I don’t really care to talk about that anymore. On to the fifth first date.

“Max” contacted me via JSwipe.

Stats: 43, lives in Santa Monica, dot-commer or whatever those people are called, divorced, no kids, one dog.

Max, “Hi Ali! Good connecting with you. How old is your little one? Super cute, by the way.”

(I like him spelling out “by the way,” instead of “BTW”)

Me, “Hi. She’s 13 years old now. The pics are quite old. I’ve put on some pounds and lost a few teeth but other than that I look really similar. Kidding. She’s 17 months today.”

Max, “Happy 17 months to you both. Teeth, or at least a full set of them can be over rated. Would love to speak on the phone and go from there.”

After taking Willa to a class today I dropped her with my mom and dad and met Max at a nice shopping/eating area called Waterside near my parents’ place in Marina Del Rey in the late morning. As you know I hate eating on dates so I suggested Starbucks. So original and romantic, I know. The feeling of dread loomed over me all morning and when I arrived I of course wanted to puke. He was sitting outside when I got there. He’s very quirky. Not in an unattractive way, just seriously quirky. At first I was like, “WTF, is this guy for realz?” But then I realized he’s really funny so I didn’t mind the oddness. We talked about a bunch of stuff. He asked me about my post-marriage dating and I told him a few stories. Like when I was out with “Doctor Marty” and the table next to us was so close they talked to us the entire time. Right after I told him that story, you’re not going to believe me but I swear this happened, this dude probably in his sixties came up to Max and I and asked if we were using the extra chair at our table. We told him to go ahead and take it and he mumbled that his mother with a walker who was rolling up slowly behind him wanted to sit in the shade and she was going to sit with us. So she did. Helen was in her nineties at least and didn’t speak much English but was very sweet. When her son came back with their food I suggested Max and I take a walk because we were both cracking up at the situation and it was too weird to continue this first date while they were eating at our table.

I don’t know. We’re very different. He doesn’t exercise. Ever. Says he hates it. Look, I don’t love it, but do it and think everyone should. He has a gym in his apartment that looks at the beach that he never uses but “walks past it every day.” May sound cray but that is a turnoff to me. He doesn’t have a car because he doesn’t want one. He walks a few blocks to work and he Ubers everywhere else. He goes to Palm Springs all the time and spends $200 on an Uber so he can do stuff on his computer in the back seat with his 65lb dog sitting next to him. When I think about it it’s pretty effing rad but I can’t see myself living so freely like that. He seemed appalled that I don’t have any tattoos. Blah, blah, blah, I don’t even know what else, I’m exhausted right now. Bottom line, will I go out with him again? No clue. He text me after and said:

Max, “Hi Ali! Great meeting and hanging with you today. P.S. Helen says hi.”

Me, “Ditto! Helen’s a whore.”

Max, “LOL. I can see that. All that jewelry. C’mon Helen.

You’ll obviously know if I go out with him again so just stay tuned, I guess. I have no idea at this point…

I’ll end here.

Thanks for reading.

Hanky Panky?

It’s Wednesday.

After I take Willa to music class at 1pm I drop her with my parents for an overnight, train a few clients, and have the night to do whatever I want.

As I’ve discussed ad nauseam, I want to have physical relations with a member of the male species.

I was having trouble finding this man but last week he magically appeared.

Well, I’ve known him for about a month, but last Saturday he made it clear that I should call him for a hang.

I’ll call him “Hank” to protect the innocent.

Hank is a trainer who I see every once in a while at the gym. He is take-your-breath-away gorgeous and has the sweetest smile to boot. Kind of a cross between Tyrese Gibson and the hot guy from Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” video. Our first convo happened when he expressed his concern that he had to drive to Century City during rush hour. I told him about a street called Willaman, that has stoplights all the way down to Pico, and he was intrigued. We looked at a map together and I told him this new route would change his life. I’ve seen him a few times since the map viewing and gave each other friendly greetings.

Last Saturday I was training one of my beyond amazing gay male clients, discussing how I had not been able to land the bone, as Hank walked in. I said to my client Andy, “Now that guy is ridic.” Andy pretended to faint and said he couldn’t even look at him, for he was too much sexy. Andy told me that Hank has to be the one I do the horizontal hustle with. He didn’t use those words, but you get the idea. Andy said I must speak with Hank after our session.

Hank caught me as I was leaving. He told me Willaman Street was indeed a life changer and we began a nice chat. He said something about my baby, and told me when I first returned to the gym he had heard some folks saying how I had a baby a year ago and you’d never know from looking at me. Hank congratulated me on my post-baby physique and it made me feel freaking GREAT. It also made me feel pretty good to know that peeps were discussing this behind my back. Wink emoji.

I told him I was getting divorced and he asked why. I explained that my husband was gravely ill and I didn’t have the strength or courage to take care of him since he was diagnosed with “Fuck-Ugly-Chicks-Instead-Of-Your-Wife-Syndrome,” that he was stricken with when I was pregnant. Hank was appalled, naturally, and asked me for my phone number. Before I gave it to him I made him tell me his last name so I could look him up on FB to make sure he wasn’t friends with “Afkah,” which stands for Artist Formerly Known as Husband if it’s your first time reading. He wasn’t. I explained I was not looking for a boyfriend, but I would be more than happy to spend time with him. He laughed and said he understood. He text me about an hour later and we had a good back and forth. He told me to please let him know if I had some free time over the next few days. I told him I’d let him know.

That brings us to now. I could call him for plans tonight but I’m a nervous wreck. My throat has been hurting the last few days and I’m going away this weekend so I’m giving myself the excuse that I need to turn in early so I don’t get sick. Gah! But if I don’t see him tonight I’ll have to wait another week and what if I puss out then too? I thought writing this post would bring me some clarity but it hasn’t. I guess we’ll just have to see. Perhaps I’ll see him at work tonight and we can go get a drink after. I don’t know!

I’ll end here. Maybe there will be a new blog post tomorrow, maybe not…

Thanks for reading!

Blue Ballz.

It’s 10:07pm and I just walked a gentleman to the door after getting the same speech I got from another gentleman I walked to the door four nights ago.
I can not get laid, people.
For the first time IN MY LIFE I don’t care if I have a boyfriend/relationship. I’ve probably stated in this blog 73 times that I just WANT TO HAVE FUN right now. I look pretty good and aside from the intense feelings of anger that course through my veins several times daily, I feel pretty good too. I decided that I’m going to make this happen. I will get naked with someone. Right. Now.
Problem:
I don’t want to have to go on dates with strangers to find this person. Too stressful. I want it to be someone I know, someone I’m attracted to, trust, know that they respect me, and know that I’ll be comfortable enough to let loose with this person. Unfortunately, unlike my husband, I wouldn’t have good sex with psychotic strangers that I bang in cars and hotel rooms.
As I’ve discussed, I thought “Ryan” would be the man for the job.
I can’t get him to my house. And he’s never invited me to his. The guy insists on taking me out. Lunch, dinner, whatever. He rejected my booty calls but we made plans for a night where Willa was spending the night with my parents. I was excited to hang with him even though I still get super nervous for dinner dates. I later realized that this night was my birthday so I had to cancel because I was spending it with friends. This isn’t fun. Why do we have to schedule a proper date? You’re hot, I’m hot, let’s hang out with our shoes off at someone’s house, drink some wine, and get it on? That’s where I’m at right now, you see.
I was with some girlfriends last weekend and I decided I would booty call (I know it sounds juvenile when I say “booty call” but that’s exactly what it is) one of my exes. We’ll call him “Dylan.” I would NEVER end up with this guy but we have crazy chemistry, he absolutely loves and adores me, and I know we’re very compatible in the sack. Oh dear God my mother is totally reading this but I’m going to keep going. Geez. Anyway, over Facebook messenger I asked him, “Are you single?” Basically he said it’s complicated and he’d love to see me to catch up. Said he’d come over and we would drink wine and hang out. Since I basically told him over messenger that I was contacting him to see if he wanted to snuggle nude, I assumed this was going to be the natural progression of the night. He biked over, was still unbelievably attractive to me, and we drank wine and cracked up. Soooo fun and I was ready for the second part of the evening to progress. I pretty much told him I was going to bed and if he wanted to join. He said, “Alison. You have no idea how much I want to tear you apart right now. And this is really hard for me to do, but I’ve been dating someone for three years and if we did this I couldn’t look her in the eye again.” Dayuuuum! Was not expecting that. Dude, I’m not the type of gal that wants to bone a dude with a girlfriend so thank you for telling me that before we did it, and thank you for abstaining. The speech he gave me was filled with compliments of a sexual nature so even though I had blue ballz I still felt better than if I hadn’t tried at all.
I did some more soul searching and I thought I’d give “Kevin” a shout. Kevin and I have stayed in touch even after I decided I wanted to stop dating because he’s been a really great friend. He’s divorced and has lots of advice and beautiful words of wisdom. I’ve quoted him in this blog before, so you get what I mean. He’s told me numerous times that I’m basically his dream girl, which is pretty flattering and I do love the boost for my shriveled ego especially because he’s totes sexy, smart, and funny to boot. Since I have no shame, I pretty much said I wanted to see him because he’s crazy fun and there was a strong possibility we would be getting naked. I told him I was spending the night with my friend Shelby in Silverlake so if he was up late let me know if he wanted company. He said sounds good or something like that. When 10pm rolled around I was beat so I text him that I was sleeping at Shelby’s and we should hang tomorrow night  instead. Well that was tonight. He brought wine, we had our usual great convo, and 2.5 hours later he braces me for some news he’s about to share. He first starts off with how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am. Then he says not only that, but I’m so cool, funny, smart, basically everything anyone would want to hear about themselves. Says that it’s killing him because he wants to rip my clothes off. I think he may have even bit his knuckle or something like that. It was some gesture to emphasize how passionate he was about ravaging me. BUT… He met someone three weeks ago and they just had the talk on Friday that they weren’t going to sleep with other people.
Is this a SICK JOKE?
So here’s my question:
WHY AM I NOW ATTRACTED TO MEN WITH MORALS? I married a guy I pretty much never trusted for obvious reasons, but now that I just want a meaningless romp I find men with character? What is this bullshit? Back to the damn drawing board. Man I don’t want to online date.
I guess I’ll end by touching upon something Kevin said. He said these are good problems to have. I’m special and any guy who’s worth anything would want to wine and dine me, not just let me use them for sex. He said he hopes I know this about myself and that it’s the best quality to have. I told him we’d be homees for life. Kev rocks.
Thank you for reading

When You Literally Spit in Someone’s Face. Literally.

My weekend in Palm Springs was a serious blast.
8 girls, pimpy house, zero drama, and more laughs than I can count. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. We all did.
They insisted I take the master suite which was huge, beautiful, and it was so sweet that they wanted to spoil me. One of my friends said I was the “glue” that got and kept all of us together and I was really touched.
Total perf weekend for sure.
Next topic.
“Afkah” has been wanting to explain to me how everything went down with his affair. He thought if I knew all of the details it would make me understand and feel a bit better about everything. After swearing I wouldn’t write his details in this blog, he basically spilled his guts. Not sure what parts are true, what parts are lies, but I can definitely tell you it did NOT make me feel any better about all of it. He admits that what he did was horrendous, not worth it, he wishes he could turn back time and “make it right,” and is terribly sorry. Even though I was absolutely sickened by the details I didn’t have any fight left in me. I told him that he hurt me so profoundly. He told me it wasn’t anything I did wrong and that he was so very sorry. Didn’t really help.
I wanted to talk with him more about this. Could it actually help me heal? He was here tonight (It’s 2:50am right now on the day of my birth,) and we started civilly talking while Willa was awake. It got awkward so he asked if we could continue after she went to bed. So we picked the convo back up. He said my blog was slanderous, trash, disgusting, and makes me look awful. I asked, no begged, for him to finally tell me what are these lies I’m telling. He said, “I’ll go through it right now!”
Here’s what he said are lies:
Blog says, “That night after hours of interrogation, he admitted to having this “emotional affair,” and told me her name. Said the woman who approached me at the farmer’s market was this gym rat’s friend. Now I’m sure it was another one of his cheats but I’ll never know.”
He says I’m a liar because the farmer’s market chick was in fact NOT one of his cheats and he had never seen her before. Ok, no prob, you guys. Let’s give it to him. I am now stating the the woman who accosted me at the farmer’s market was NOT someone he had cheated on me with.
Blog says, “Fortunately for him and unfortunately for me, he continued to get laid by other woman, while every once in a blue moon he was sweetly exposing me to the probable STDs he was getting. Note to self, get STD panel Monday.”
He was very incensed about this because in no way, shape or form does he probably have an STD that he could’ve handed down to me. I’m pretty sure I said, “probable STDs, not factual STDs,” but I’ll give this one to him as well. I did come back with a clean STD panel so I guess saying he probably had an STD from the woman with no self respect or morals that he was cheating on me with is a bold faced lie. Wow, such slander from my end. I’m sorry, Afkah.
Final blog quote before he either realized he was getting nowhere with this because he had no real argument here, or just got tired of reading through this blog was this question I posed to “Pathy”:
“Please tell your adoring new fans how one continues to date a man who gets married, has a baby, and leaves his sweet wife alone with said child so he can have anal sex with you?”
OK people. THEY DID NOT HAVE ANAL SEX. This is a lie, he says. I think it’s pretty clear that it was somewhat of a joke when I wrote it. I don’t know what kind of sex they had. Pretty sure my readers know this as well, but want to clarify for the record. NO ANAL SEX!
So yes, this blog, very slanderous indeed. That’s all he could come up with before he gave up.
I asked him why he thinks he’s such a good person. He said he does nice things for people all of the time. I asked for two examples. He said he could give me thousands of examples. I said two would suffice.
Example 1:
When his sister was in between jobs he made up a fake job and work for her to do and paid her thousands of dollars because he knew she “wouldn’t take it” otherwise. I personally think it’s odd to make someone do fake work instead of just mailing them a check, but that’s just me. So yes, very nice of him to help her out.
Example 2:
This is a direct quote. “I compliment people all the time.”
HaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahah
Aside from him telling me I’m a great mother all the time I can count the compliments I’ve received over 5 years on one and a half hands. I would get dolled up for him, wait an hour to see if he’d compliment me, then have to ask him if he thought I looked beautiful. The answer was always an uninspired, “Yes, of course,” or something like that. But I’m super glad that he thinks this is one of the things that redeems him. Complimenting people you barely know is very important in life…
It got super ugly.
I really think after all he’s done to me he owes it to me to just let me be rude and get it out of my system. He does not agree with this.
This part is a little blurry.
I believe he said something like, “We will get past this. I am Willa’s father…” To which I said, “Yeah, unfortunately.”
I need to backup for a second. Even though I said I would never speak to him after finding all of this out, I do. I still lay in bed with them and read books, still sit with them when they have dinner, still love “family” time. I do.
So, after the, “unfortunately” comment he got up in a huff to leave. I said something along the lines of, “there ya go, bail when you can’t handle getting insulted.” He said I’m impossible to talk to, and always have been. I disagree. Forgive me for interrupting you mid sentence to call you out on your constant bullshit. Am I wrong in thinking he should have to take whatever I dish out?! Haven’t I earned at least that? He doesn’t think so. This next part is really a blur. If I’m lucky he’ll correct any of my mistypes again and I can give you the full story but I don’t remember exactly how it went down. I do remember when he screamed “FUCK YOU” at me several times. I of course said, “how dare you say that to ME, you are a horrible person.” He said he’s no more horrible than me and it was a “fuck you” off which he started by him saying it in the first place. Don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my life and I SPIT IN HIS FACE. First time I’ve done that in my life for sure. He commented on how it was “classy,” and being that I actually am classy, the sarcasm didn’t really bother me.
So, yeah. I spit in the face of the person I chose to give my life to. Reflecting back on this all just makes me sad. It didn’t have to be like this but I only blame him. I am clean. And I hate to admit this but I still have so much love in my heart for him. Even though I think the last five plus years of my life were a lie, I do have a place in my heart for him. I have zero desire to reconcile, and am not “in love” with him, but there is so much love. Still. Maybe that’s why it’s so gut wrenching.
Tonight I fell right asleep as soon as I got into bed. I felt at peace for some crazy reason. Usually my mind races like crazy and it takes me hours to fall asleep. Obviously now it’s the middle of the night, well, morning, actually, and I’m up but at least I was at peace when I laid my head on my pillow.
I don’t know what the next step is. I will see him tomorrow. I start therapy next week. I know I’ve needed to go since the day he told me he was leaving me, even before I knew about the disgusting affair. Just wasn’t ready. I’m ready now.
Right now it’s my birthday. Damn it I deserve a good year this year. Here’s to hoping.
Thanks for reading.

Oh Universe.

Oh universe, you sure do have a way of keeping me in check.

I crashed my car today.

Not sure if it was my fault yet.

I’ve been so happy to be working again, doing something for myself.

Just bought Willa a new car seat, play kitchen, and was super excited to celebrate my birthday in Palm Springs with some girlfriends this weekend and not worry about not having a negative balance in my account.

This definitely taints that.

All the money I make now will go to my thousand dollar deductible and whatever extra charges I accrue on the rental car. Insurance pays $30 a day for 30 days but I had them put on the extra damage insurance for the rental in case of a wreck. Insurance doesn’t cover that.

Ughhhhh

Aside from being completely shaken up still, I am ok. My shoulder hurts which is no surprise because I injured it in 2009 and little things cause it to flair up.

Side Note:

The Great Fall of ’09 happened when I was with my ex Nick in the gym and I literally flew off a treadmill. I know Nick reads this blog and I’m wondering if he’s dying right now remembering this event. I couldn’t sleep on my right side for six months and it was just as embarrassing as it was painful. The actor Joe Lo Truglio (name drop) was one of the by standers  and described it as the worst noise he’d ever heard. I begged everyone not to tell the owner of the gym because it was definitely on the security cameras and didn’t want it replayed EVER. As far as I know no one told him…

End of side note.

The positives:

I was driving to work so Willa wasn’t in the car.

My ex husband stepped up and came to my rescue.

Aside from how he’s treated me over the years, he’s always there for me in crisis and I know always will be.

I wish I never had to drive again but I am physically fine for the most part.

Everything is okay.

Crap. Such a bummer still.

I want to take Willa to gym class in an hour to continue normalcy for her like I’ve tried to do this entire year but man, it’s hard sometimes.

Writing makes me feel better usually so wanted to purge this story of my day.

October will be better, right?

The next entry will hopefully be more entertaining and filled with good news.

Thank you for reading.