Tonight, I swiped…

OhDearGodWhy.
I have no idea why I decided tonight would be the night.
On a whim, I went for it.
I joined a dating app.
It was not a pleasant experience.
I picked something called “J Swipe.” It’s Tinder for Jews. I’m not a very Jewish Jew, but for some reason felt like this would be less threatening for me. At least we’d have one thing in common? Also, it’s connected to your Facebook, and I like the idea of finding out if you have mutual friends or not.
I was doomed from the start.
I accidentally joined J Date first. That’s a pay site, and I definitely don’t want to pay… Yet. I’m not even sure how I made this mistake. They were right on top of each other in the “App Store” and I downloaded the wrong one. I suppose I wasn’t thinking straight because the beating of my heart was very distracting. I could hear it and feel it beating in my ears and chest like a freaking freight train. I deleted the J Date app, went to my computer to check my bank account to make sure I wasn’t charged, and went back to join J Swipe. I had to choose 4 pictures. This was tough. 90% of my Facebook pics are of Willa by herself or Willa with me, and the other 10% are of me and Afkah, (Afkah stands for Artist Formerly Known As Husband if this is your first time reading this blog.) Somehow I found 4 pics that were cute. Two with Willa and two alone. My “about me” or whatever it’s called said something like, “Yup, this is my baby, not my niece. Nope, her dad and I aren’t together anymore so I’ve decided to bust a swipe.” Next the whole, “I still believe in love, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc…”
Then I was live.
There are no instructions on how to navigate through this swiping world. Nothing anywhere that I could find on the site about how to work the damn thing.
I began looking through these dudes’ profiles like I was looking through my own pictures on my phone. Browsing the merchandise fast and furious until I realized I may be doing something wrong. I called my sister. She very patiently tried to give me a tutorial. I use the word “patiently” because it was as if she was trying to teach me to speak Cantonese. I had a mental block and couldn’t follow what she was saying. “Wait. Swipe left if I do like them or don’t like them?” And she kept telling me over and over again but still, even now, I have no idea which way to swipe. As she was explaining to me I remembered the “fast and furious” swiping I did right after my profile was loaded. I told her what I did. She either said I “liked” their profiles or didn’t “like” their profiles but I swear I have no idea what she told me. Honestly. I either did the good swipe or the bad swipe on quite a few profiles but don’t know which one. Mental block, people. Then I asked her how to get back to the profiles I quickly swiped through so I could give them a good look and she told me they were gone. Gone forever. This whole thing is nuts to me. Am I not ready? Is that why the 40 minutes I spent on this thing feels like a hazy dream? My sister must think I’m momentarily dyslexic. It’s taking everything I have right now to not delete the app. I really want to but know it would be premature and I’d feel like a quitter.
I think I want to be set up. Just an old fashioned set up to get me back in the groove.
I fantasize about meeting a suitor at a bar and hitting it off from the get go. You know, when you have that instant connection and just laugh, flirt, and talk easily? Then you go home giddy and excited for the next time you get to see them? Man I want that! Unfortunately I know that’s like one in a hundred and three so don’t hold my breath, and usually those are the guys who are “bad for me.”
All that being said… Do you know anyone?
They have to have a great job and a great personality. And like babies, obvi.
That’s all for today. The picture is one I used for my J Swipe profile. It was taken for my website a few years back by the wonderful James Acomb. Thank you so much for reading. 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Tonight, I swiped…

  1. Your blog is fun, and despite how you feel you are beautiful!
    Best of the luck online dating 🙂 some encouragement here: I was super skeptical here but I met my husband through online dating, too.

    Like

  2. OMG. I LOVE this! 🙂

    P.S. I had the identical experience on Tinder. (And I had the dyslexic thing, too!)

    Like

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