Me thinks me chose the wrong app.
So far I have matched with 12 dudes.
This means I like their profile and they like mine so the app will allow us to “chat” with each other. Out of these 12 “matches” only five have sent me messages. What the hell? Am I supposed to message them? Because I don’t roll that way. Think it sets the tone for the whole relationship. I’ll be chasing him for the rest of our lives. One guy “super matched” with me. You only get to choose one bachelor/bachelorette a day to be a “super match.” You are completely in love with this person’s profile and want them to know it. I got the alert, was flattered, contacted our mutual friends, got the a-ok from them, and “liked” him back. The screen turned yellow, hearts danced on the screen, and said, “Mazel Tov, you are a super match!!!” Well guess what? He never messaged me! I thought we had something special, something real, something long term. Man, was I wrong.
Of the five who have messaged me, I’ve only had a substantial message sesh with one. It’s actually going on now, as I blog. I’m going back and forth from phone to computer.
Here are the details of the messages I’ve received. I will change the names of the swipers to protect the innocent.
Pat was the first message I received. He was wildly funny and clever. Really tried to wow me with a great beginning line. Pat wrote:
I was so blown away by his thoughtful words I couldn’t even think of a proper response so I didn’t respond.
A few hours later he followed up with a real doozy:
“I am Pat.”
Okey dokey. Def not my guy.
Jason sent me a nice message. He complimented the cuteness of Willa which I like. He also said he had found my blog through our mutual friends and he thinks I’m hilarious, which I really like. This does bring up the fact that this blog is public and anyone can read it. Yikes. Hopefully the other guys aren’t as resourceful as Jason. Unfortunately, I spoke to some of our mutual friends who explained to me why they think he isn’t a good fit for me. And I agree.
Christian sent a sweet message, complimented Willa, etc. When I looked back at his profile I saw he wasn’t Jewish. Look, I have no problem dating non-Jews, hell, I married one. But why are you on a Jewish dating site? I didn’t respond. Am I being too nit-picky? Hell to the yes I am! Any little thing I think is weird I’m out.
Mark pointed out that I went to elementary school with his brother. I’m down with that; I like small world stuff. But it was riddled with spelling errors. As a matter of fact, his opener was, “Mai, Ali.” I believe he was trying to say, “Hi Ali.” Too rushed to proof-read equals too rushed in other areas for sure. Next.
Sam is the one I’m currently “chatting” with. He actually went to my high school and we have a few friends in common. I was nervous because I thought he would’t get my humor, and I hadn’t even pulled out the big guns yet. I said he was, “Much younger than me,” and he replied, “38? That’s only two years.” I told him it was a joke, he apologized for being slow, and it’s been smooth sailing since. My girlfriend Megan remembers him and said he was very nice. He’s divorced with a kid and has a great job. All things I like. He also appreciates my humor and has had a few good retorts. I’m funnier, but maybe he’ll be a laugh riot if I ever get the ballz to meet him in person. He doesn’t live close but I’m willing to sacrifice; 14 miles is very far in LA so we’ll have to plan around traffic. Oh wow, look at me planning our dating life already. Must. Stop. The madness.
I’ve seen close to 15 guys that I know on the site, including the one I briefly dated years ago and reconnected with via phone a few months after my split. You know, the one who compared me to Rachel Maddow? Guys from summer camp, elementary school, one old neighbor, and other randoms I know. At first it weirded me out. Then I started thinking it may be nice to re-meet and fall in love with someone who’s known you/you’ve known forever. My friend Lisa just married our friend Ricky she’s known since junior high after not seeing him for close to 25 years or something like that. It’s beyond sweet and they’re a perfect pair.
In other news:
As you know, I stopped breastfeeding the day before Willa’s first birthday. Seven days ago. Currently, my boobs are similar to honeydew melons. Not in a hot way. They are big and hard. Haaaaard. And achey. I’m not quite sure why my friends who have gone through this have never been forthcoming with details about it. Two days after I stopped was the worst. It was the day of Willa’s party and every time someone hugged me I winced. They probably thought I stuffed my bra with bronze dipped baseballs, so not pleasant for anyone. I did some research and apparently vitamin B6 is supposed to lessen your milk supply. The bottle I bought said in big writing, “DO NOT TAKE IF NURSING OR PREGNANT,” so I knew this was the good stuff. My friend Yoneet recently stopped nursing and told me to freeze green cabbage then stuff it in my bra. I guess it’s supposed to feel great and also draw out some milk without stimulating the milk production.
Side-note: Milk production increases when your baby nurses or if you use a breast pump.
I was full as a tick but didn’t want to pump or nurse because the last thing I wanted to do was produce more milk than I was already producing so I went for this cabbage deal. I prayed for the cabbage to let out some pressure. I have no idea if it drew out milk or not but oh my it felt damn good. It made me momentarily forget about my throbbing bosom. I say momentarily because the heat from my body started to warm the cabbage until I began to smell rank. I mean seriously funktastic. Gagging. Have you ever smelled cooked cabbage right under your nose for hours? It’s the opposite of pleasant. I’d switch out soggy cabbage for frozen cabbage but alas, frozen cabbage eventually turns to soggy cabbage. I had to put my cabbage clothes outside until I did laundry because the odor wafted out of my laundry room and haunted me. At 2am I woke up thinking I was going to explode so I literally squeezed my boobs into the sink. My mom’s friend told me she did that when she was nursing, now that I think about it. I remember thinking she was insane, I’d never do that. Well, I “hand expressed” and I own it. Just enough to relieve some pressure but not too much to stimulate milk production.
How do I not have a boyfriend? I am so sexy and my life is beyond glamorous.
That’s all for today. The picture is a screen shot of my “Super-Match” celebration.
Thank you so much for reading!
Me thinks me chose the wrong app.