Here it is.

I’m basically forcing myself to sit in front of my computer and write. I don’t feel inspired but I know I need to keep this up because it’s helpful for my psyche and a lot of you are asking for a new post.
Here it is.
My in-laws (ex-in-laws?) were here last week so I told Kevin I couldn’t see him. He understood, he’s divorced, been there, done that, and sent me a text a few days into the visit asking me how it was going. I had to be honest. One because he probably read my blog where I said I bawled my eyes out after our last date, and two, because I don’t want to play games or cause any anxiety for myself. I told him the visit was going well and Willa and I loved having them around. I also told him it was causing me to re-mourn my marriage. I explained how I would spend the day with Afkah’s parents then he would come get them, the four of them would do something fun, and I would stay home alone. It was depressing to say the least. Kevin was amazing in his response.
Kevin:
“Ali, you’re still at the start of this next phase, and it sucks. The wounds are deep. They’re fresh. I’m two years out and waves of mourning still hit me all the time. Sadly, that’s just the process. All the psycho-babble about the “stages of grief” are true, and unfortunately there is no timeline. We can’t press a fast-forward button to just zoom everything to a point where everything is happy again. We have to just get through it. Day by day. And I won’t lie; a lot of those days suck. But I’m here for you. As a friend, confidante, whatever. It’s just nice knowing someone who’s on the same road. I’m a little further down it, so if you need anything, text away. Thinking of you as you keep up the good struggle of putting Willa first…and you are.”
Ok. This guy is freaking incredible. He’s damn awesome.
But I can’t do it.
I’m not ready.
I. Am. Not. Ready.
I was so excited to get out there. Meet Mr. Right. Have a crazy romance and start my life with some awesome dude. And I still want that someday! Geez, I want it NOW! I want to move on sooooo effinggggg baddddd.
I just miss Afkah something fierce.
God damn I miss him.
Yes, I see him three times a week but I miss being able to kiss him, watch tv with him, go out to dinner with him, brush my teeth with him, and I really miss when he wouldn’t leave me to go home to his apartment. I miss when his home was with me.
People who are married or in a long-term relationship right now, I ask you this:
Can you imagine if you were not allowed to kiss your partner anymore? Imagine, you try to kiss them and they look at you like, “What the hell are you doing?” Or after you put your baby to bed you say, “Hey, can you watch Ray Donovan with me?” And they tell you that they have to go home? And you realize you’ll probably never watch a show with them on the couch where you’ve been watching shows together for years ever again? Because every  time he gets ready to go I ask him if he wants to watch one of “our shows” and he always says no.  Like seriously, every time he starts to leave I basically beg him to stay. Oh awesome, I’m crying now. Yes, I BEG him to stay. It’s pathetic. Sometimes he’ll chat with me for 15-20 minutes. Sometimes I think he actually wants to be there with me. But most of the time he bolts. I know he feels terrible that my heart breaks every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday night, I can see it in his face, but I also know he just wants to go to his home. His home that I don’t even know the address of. Oh yeah, there’s that. I don’t know where he lives. I don’t know where my husband lives, you guys. He is completely immersed in my life but I don’t know his address. I have zero privacy from him in my home and he has a whole world I know nothing about. I know everyone is going to comment, “Make him take Willa to his place!” “Don’t let him in your bedroom!” “”He should at least use your guest bathroom, not the one you use!” I wouldn’t mind him staying out of my bathroom but I like when he’s in my bedroom. We lay on the bed with Willa and he reads her stories. It’s really, really nice for me to pretend we’re a family for a little while. Then he puts Willa to bed and he leaves. I get it, the guy has two full time jobs and works his ass off. He doesn’t want to watch Ray Donovan with his ex. He wants to go home, or wherever he’s going. He says it’s home, so I’ll believe it unless I find out different.
Why can’t I focus on why we shouldn’t be together?
You know that feeling you get when a friend, lover, or even an acquaintance betrays you? Or you find out something really fucked up and you feel sick? Like cold sweat sick? That disgusting feeling that I personally would rather feel my leg breaking than that feeling? Well, Afkah has given me that feeling more times than someone who loves me should ever make me feel. He was the person who was NEVER supposed to make me feel that sickness, but he did. Why can’t I think about that when he’s leaving me at night? Why can’t I think, “In the five plus years we were together, this man has done me wrong. Now I will never have to feel that again.” Oh dear God. I hope I never feel it again. Will I ever be able to trust anyone? How do I know that the next man I love will protect me from heartache, not cause it? How the hell do I know??? I don’t know, but that brings me back to the point that I’m not ready to get out into the dating world. At least not this week. One day at a time?
I’m feeling the need to defend Afkah right now. He’s not a bad person. He has trouble knowing what he wants and he should not be in a relationship. He’s an introvert times a million and needs to be alone. It’s just unfortunate that I was the Guinea pig he ultimately realized this with. We had a great love and made a great daughter. Now that’s awesome. Someday I will be evolved enough to just think about that.
I’m glad I sat down to write this. If it’s your first time reading, Afkah stands for Artist Formerly Known as Husband.
Thank you for reading.
The picture is of Ray Donovan, or Ray Donny as Afkah and I used to call him…

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4 thoughts on “Here it is.

  1. Hi Ali, I feel your pain. I have been a the same relationship for over 18 yrs. with my best friend & the love of my life. Recently we went thru a rough patch. I thought we were done. It was so painful and after a few of month I felt I could breath again and started to feel better. We’ve since gotten back together. There is still a lot of love on the table, but also a lot of work. My point is and I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times, time heals. You are a beautiful, smart & loving young woman. You will love and be loved again…and I just want to say I think you are very brave!

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  2. Ali, I know the last thing you’re probably looking for is advice. Forgive me. But, well… Why do you feel compelled to date right now anyway? Isn’t it just a smokescreen to distract yourself from the longing you still feel for your ex?

    It’s great that you met someone who can relate and offer some support, but there’s certainly nothing that says you have to be romantic with someone at a time when you’re probably not capable of even accessing those feelings. There is absolutely no reason to feel like it’s somehow a failure that you can’t just “snap out of it” and “move on”. This guy understands this. Now you need to. Just be a friend. (Who knows? He may actually need support, too.)

    My personal feeling is it’s a futile exercise to try and feel a way you’re not really capable of feeling right now. It’s just gonna aggravate you. Two cents from Spence. Patience, grasshopper. 🙂

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  3. Breaks my heart that you are in such pain. Hope this guy hangs around while you are going through this mourning. He seems like a mensch .

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  4. Gurl…YOU ROCK!!!! The courage that you have to sit there and write your true feelings is extraordinary!! Dammm …. actually felt guilty reading this week,:-( ….. as much as I love your blog it was hard to read this week…. damn all what you going through and then you rehash it for our reading pleasure!! ( the jury is still out on if that makes sense or not ) be encouraged you rock home-girl, I’m rooting for you.. the truth is I’m rooting for a lot of women including myself because if you can find love after all this… that assures me there is hope for the rest of us 😃😃😃

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