Blame it on Bitmoji.

As explained in my previous entry, I’ve been having a hard time dealing with missing “Afkah.” Maybe it’s due to the fact that the three year anniversary of what I now lovingly refer to as my “Sham of a Wedding” is in a few days. I’m good during the day but start to feel the feelings after Willa goes to bed and I’m alone. It begins with a deep gloom, turns into deep infuriation, followed by bloodthirsty texts to him, full of insults and, “how could you” type sentiments. Not healthy, I’m well aware. He can put up with the insults referring to him as a shit husband, but draws the line when I call him a shit father. Despite the fact that I think a good father should do anything he can to keep his family together, especially when his wife kicks ass, he’s a superb dad. I have friends whose husbands make Afkah look like Father of the Year. I would rather have the situation I have than some of these chumps my friends are married to who can’t do anything for their kid. The men who make more work for their wives by being incapable of taking care of themselves let alone a child. Afkah bathes her, feeds her, takes her on outings, reads to her, plays with her, teaches her, and is always upbeat and excited to be with her. I know you’re thinking, “He doesn’t live with her so he Goddamn better be ‘upbeat and present’ when he’s with her!” Well, he truly is.
That’s enough about that.
Do you know what Bitmoji is? It’s the app where you design your Avatar to look like you, dress like you, and express whatever you want to express to your friends or family. Like, if someone texts you, “What did you think of the meeting? Pretty boring, huh?” You can send back your avatar looking really bored saying, “Great times.” You get it.
My Bitmoji app is on my phone next to my JSwipe app, which I haven’t checked in weeks. On Friday I went to pop open Bitmoji but accidentally opened JSwipe instead. Before I could close it I saw I had messages and just had to check.
The first one was from “Josh.” He’s 41 and his profile says he does some sort of consulting. The message was really funny, transparent, and refreshing so I responded. We have two mutual Facebook friends so I could find out his last name and I googled him, obvi. Apparently he’s an actor. I’m a big fan of watching tv but have never seen him before despite the fact that he was a series regular on a huge network show for ten years. I also read about his divorce on which seemed to be pretty ugly. Maybe he was an actor and now he’s a consultant? Or just doesn’t want to say he’s an actor on the Swipe site? He’s cute, seems nice, and is complimentary to me, but the last message exchange was weird and I haven’t responded yet. He ended with, “Kiss that baby. She has that new baby smell huh? Good stuff.”
Hmmm, what do I say to that?
“She’s not really that new…”
“Uuuhm, ok, that’s a little creepy but I’ll kiss her for ya.”
Can’t decide if I’m going to keep Josh in the mix but I’ll keep you posted. In my experience actors can be trouble. I know because I was one long ago.
Next we have “Ryan,” 45 and divorced. Two mutual FB friends. I can’t say what he does for work because after the story I’m about to tell it would be too difficult for him to stay incognito. It’s a profession that isn’t common, so anyone reading this that may know him would recognize it right away. That being said, when I first saw Ryan’s profile, he seemed really familiar to me. I thought, “Someone has told me about this dude before. I know his story somehow.” Then I let it go and didn’t think about it again. After I saw his message, I went right to Facebook to get more stats on him. As soon as I saw his last name I figured it all out. Here’s the convo:
“Hi Ali. You seem great!”
Sidenote 1: When I first read this message I bitched about it to my sister. What a lame opening. Please, throw something funny in there, give me something to work with, yo! I told my sis I was going to make him work a little harder for it.
“Thanks! 🙂 ”
“Any interest in talking on the phone?”
Sidenote 2: This is when I found his last name on FB.
“If you don’t mind that your father has seen my vagina…”
Sidenote 3: Yes, people. His dad was my beloved gyno. I love this man. When I wanted to get pregnant and brought Afkah into his office with me, Afkah referred to him as an “angel.” You see, Afkah wanted to wait forever to try to have a baby and Dr. RD (stands for Ryan’s Dad,) explained to Afkah that I’m no spring chicken and if he ever wanted to have kids there’s no time like the present. Well, he was way more gentle and factual when he said it. He got Afkah easily on board and I feel like I wouldn’t have my Willa if it wasn’t for him. He doesn’t deliver babies anymore so when I conceived I switched to my current doctor who I love equally as much as Dr. RD. Thank God.
“Ok, I made myself laugh with that one but I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve heard it.
Yes, let’s chat, unless my previous messages freaked you out. Your dad told me all about you years ago and I couldn’t figure out how you seemed so familiar. I did some FB stalking and got to the bottom of it. You seem great too, hope you had a smashing weekend.”
“Hahahahahaha! Can I please show him this exchange? Who delivered your baby? Scott? Now we have to meet.”
I haven’t responded yet. I’m intrigued by all this but I really don’t want to go out with anyone. A part of me wants to make a date with him on my anniversary but if it’s bad it could make a depressing day even more depressing.
Last guy I’ll talk about today is “Dylan.” 42, one mutual friend, works in digital media. His profile pic is of him and his kid and he looks good. Salt and pepper short beard, baseball cap, and attractive. The problem is with the second picture he has up. It is so cheesy and horrible it makes me wince. I so wish I could show it to you because you’d get it. Shockingly it’s also his FB profile pic. Why?? It’s from 2008 and should’ve stayed there. If he is as lame as his second pic I’d rather go out with Donald Trump.
“Too cute
Could be trouble”
Sidenote 1: Zero punctuation.
“Me, or the kid?”
Snore. Peace out Dylan.
I’ll end here.
If it’s your first time reading “Afkah” stands for Artist Formerly Known As Husband.
The pic is of my Bitmoji.
Thank you for reading.


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