I really wrote this. May the shit hit the fan.

It’s 2:50am.

I wish I could say I was just getting home from a crazy party.

I couldn’t sleep.

Shit.

I may regret doing this when I wake up tomorrow, but have had hours to think about it.  I’m going for it.

I have no one to protect anymore and as you know, my life is an open book.

Tonight, at around 8pm, “Afkah” finally came clean. (AFKAH stands for Artist Formerly Known As Husband if this is your first time reading.) Through my stealthy detective work I found out he is currently in some sort of serious relationship. I know, we’re not together and it’s none of my business, but I’ve always thought he left me for someone and I couldn’t have closure until I got the absolute truth. He swore he didn’t and I sort of believed it. Well, tonight something happened to his wall of secrets and he came clean. He told me he had a handful of affairs during our relationship. Before marriage and during marriage. I knew about one of them. It was in 2012 before we were married and I’ve since referred to it as, “The Great Cheat of 2012.” He met some idiot at the gym, told her he was in the midst of breaking up with me, and they dated. How did I learn of this, you ask? Oh, it was really a wonderful day. Some woman came up to my blissfully ignorant ass at the farmer’s market, asked me if Afkah was my boyfriend, and proceeded to tell me he was a cheater. Then she was gone. That night after hours of interrogation, he admitted to having this “emotional affair,” and told me her name. Said the woman who approached me was this gym rat’s friend. Now I’m sure it was another one of his cheats but I’ll never know. At this time we worked at the same place so I knew this dipshit. She was another trainer’s client and she knew we lived together but still went for it. Gotta love those girl’s girls, right?! He said after a few dates with her he knew he made a terrible mistake and I was the love of his life. I insisted we go to therapy together, because I clearly had zero respect for myself, and we got married a year later. He said horrible things about this girl, cellulite, she’s crazy, the works, and I can only imagine what he told her about me, but I “forgave” him because he insisted he “lost his way” and was a good man. Fortunately for him and unfortunately for me, he continued to get laid by other woman, while every once in a blue moon he was sweetly exposing me to the probable STDs he was getting. Note to self, get STD panel Monday.

I’m having issues continuing. This is the father of my child. Will Willa eventually hate me for putting him on blast? Or will she high five me, love him anyway, and  be the well adjusted child she seems to already be? Will he stop paying my bills? Will I live in my mom and dad’s living room?  I am so terrified right now but am taking the chance. Once I get it out maybe I won’t publish the entry. Maybe I will. The morning (mourning) is young…

He was a miserable human being our last few months together. Made me feel less than human, really awesome considering I’m hormonal, exhausted, and taking care of a newborn while he’s “working” late. I still got up to make him coffee every morning.  We had sex maybe 5 or 6 times in 6 or 7 months, his excuse was that he was “depressed.” He came home from “work” one night smelling like perfume and denied smelling any sort of way. He bought new underwear. I KNOW I’M AN IDIOT, you guys. I begged him to tell me how to make him happy. New Years Eve I caught him texting someone and he swore it was his friends. I never believed it and I once again got that sick, deathly feeling that he may as well trademark and make some cash off of. Well, tonight I found out who she was/is. Let’s call her Pathy. PatheticLoser is too much to type each time. Can you guess? It’s the cheat from 2012! They’re almost boyfriend girlfriend but it took a sour turn when she found out he was cheating on her with the waitress from his coffee shop. It’s poetic, I know. He wouldn’t tell me how in the world Pathy found out about the waitress. In these hours of feeling sick and hearing my heart pound out of my ears, it dawned on me. PATHY MUST READ THIS BLOG!!!!! I know! It’s too good. Hi Pathy! Please tell your adoring new fans how one continues to date a man who gets married, has a baby, and leaves his sweet wife alone with said child so he can have anal sex with you?  Classy lady, be proud. Anyway, aside from the stewardess he cheated on Pathy and I with, aside from his old friend from PA that he cheated on Pathy and I with, he cheated with the waitress too. And who knows who else was in the mix. Well, I know one person who knows the answer. He told me Pathy is crazy again, needy, doesn’t really care about her, etc, but I know he’s obviously still head over heels for her. Wink, wink. You all know I have zero ego and think I am funny and not hot, but I can absolutely assure you I’m hotter than this whore. I can honestly say I am. I wish I had a good pic of the pair to post but that may be going too far even if I did. She must let him piss on her in bed or something. Anywho, I ran the gamut of obvious emotions. He said he needed me to be his friend, he’s in a bad spot, depressed, etc. Right. I buy that. I told him I didn’t care if he died so he could never hurt me again. Maybe a little harsh. But my mom always taught me you can’t take back what you say out loud so it is what it is.

I don’t care about him anymore. Don’t care about his well being, don’t care who he’s cheating on who with, and wish I never have to see him again. That is never going to happen, obviously. I’m sure he’ll get super serious and devoted to her now, to prove everyone wrong, and I don’t care. I’m certain they’ll live a very sad life together. I told him I would keep his admissions secret. I lied.

As for me, believe it or not,

I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE!

I fucking do. I do. Goddammit I do. People that know me know that I have so much love to give. I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE IN ME. Even still, I swear on my life I do. I know with every fiber of my body that this is not the end of my passion in life which is to pour every shred of love into my partner, friends, and family and I will continue to be the fucking light that I am. I am crying tears of joy this time. Really, I am so in love with myself  right now and ready to spread the love to everyone around me. Is this cheesy? Whatever, I mean it. At a dinner the other night I was thanked by some friends for being the one who makes people happy, for bringing people together, for making sure everyone feels included. This is me. I’m not going to be a victim of Afkah’s. I can’t. I’m too special. Also, chances are, this is the worst of it. It is not likely that this will ever happen to me again. And if it does happen again, I will issue a sincere FML. Until then, in the words of India Arie, I AM READY FOR LOVE. I want to spread my love and joy to the world and especially to MY DAUGHTER. Her mother is a warrior, a bad ass mammajamma and doesn’t regret anything because this journey brought me to her and she is EVERYTHING. It’s 4:10am.

I love you all. Even you, Pathy. Not really, but I will someday. Or not…

The picture is of me on a happy day. Cheers to many more to come.

Thank you for reading.

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4 thoughts on “I really wrote this. May the shit hit the fan.

  1. You know me Al, I normally don’t comment much…. In this case I would like to just say that I commend your strength. And also that afkamcil (artist formerly known as my cousin-in-law) must be really good in bed since he lacks any sort of personality. I can’t say I remember one conversation I had with him that I walked away even pondering what we talked about. 💖 You cuz!

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  2. You fucking rock!!!! Good for you for getting it out there, you needed to and guess what…. It was your right to do so! I believe your beautiful baby girl will always love her daddy no matter what, but she will high five you one day for being a strong, independent woman who wouldn’t stand by and get walked all over. You want her to feel the same way and never put up with that from any person as well. I believe you will find love when you least expect it, you deserve the right kind of love and to be cherished forever! Keep writing xoxo

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  3. It’s going to take some time…maybe more than you’d like but someday you’ll see that what happened was that he set you free. I had a similar experience, although no baby involved, so maybe I can sort of understand how you feel. But you shouldn’t be ashamed of trusting and loving. That’s all you did, right? Hugs chica! Hope you feel better soon:)

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  4. It is obvious your ex is a narc
    ( narcissist) . Stop blaming the other women. He lied to all of you. Please read and learn about narcs. Then you can heal. There are wonderful videos also. I say this because I am there.

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