The Aftermath.

I felt empowered after I published my last entry at 4am yesterday.
I was ready for love, ready to spread my “light,” ready for the world. Maybe it was sheer exhaustion because Willa wakes up at 6am so I just never went to sleep, maybe because of the intensity of the news I had received, or maybe all of the above. After the sun came up I felt physically and emotionally BAD.
Digression:
Apparently I have over three thousand readers of this blog which is insane. I told you about the woman that recognized Willa on the plane to Minnesota. Said she read this blog, hugged me, and said she was rooting for us. That means something to me. Every time I publish a post I get messages from strangers telling me they went through something similar, love reading, and wish I’d do more entries. I get messages from strangers telling me that they live in Maine, have great marriages, but want me to know that even a stranger on the other side of the country is a fan and is rooting for me. I got probably 60 texts yesterday, 20 emails, and I can’t count the number of Facebook messages and comments following the post. I didn’t read most of them. I couldn’t, I had no attention span or desire, really. I need to sit down to read all the texts, comments, etc, but was not in the state yesterday and I could absolutely not have handled writing all of the responses, “likes,” etc. Every text said something like, “Just read.  So, so, sorry. Are you ok?” Then I would obviously have to respond with the truth which was, “No, not ok. Really not ok.” Then they ask more details and whatever, so I couldn’t very well handle answering 60 texts and having this convo 60 times.. Hahah I just made myself laugh. This last paragraph is so self important I’m disgusted with myself. Complaining that so many people love me, are here for me, and genuinely want to be there for me. “Ugh, I have too many friends, it’s so annoying.” I hope I’m not coming off like that. I am beyond lucky to have so many people I can call true friends. It’s incredible. I do have so much love surrounding me which means everything.
End of digression.
I guess I’ll start with the details of yesterday first, before I go into the emotional side of it.
“Afkah” called me in the morning frantic. (AFKAH stands for Artist Formerly Known As Husband if it’s your first time reading.) Said he broke up with “Pathy,” and she showed up at his work screaming that if I don’t take down the blog she’s going to, “kick my ass.”

Ok, so, those three words have like, never come out of my mouth and I’m positive they never will. I am almost 39 years old, (Pathy is older and if she’s not she needs a new face cream,) and especially now, to hear someone threaten violence on me was pretty incredible and a very clear indication of the person we were dealing with. That combined with the other details about her; sleeping with a dude who wears a wedding ring I bought him, knowing his wife and baby are waiting for him at the home they share, and knowing he dumped you after the affair you had with him before we were married but already lived together because he realized I was the, “love of his life,” (insert lololol here, I was clearly not any sort of love in his life, you don’t treat anyone you hate let alone love the way I was treated, but that’s what he says.) She stayed with him after he actually got married and had a baby, she must’ve had to sneak around,  listen to all the lies he told  about how much he cares for her and how his wife is so awful. “She’s not sexy like you are, she doesn’t understand me.”

Sidenote:

Once again, you know I have zero ego about my physical appearance, but I will again say that I am more attractive than her. This is a fact, anyone would agree. And, I’m pretty effing cool, if I do say so myself. A lot people like having me around and consider my personality most excellent. Just have to pump up my ego for a sec, sorry.

All of that combined with the fact she was his side chick and she found out he was cheating on her (and me but I obviously didn’t know about ANY OF THIS FUCKERY,) with a different side chick and she still stayed with his shady ass, the fact that she’s going to beat me up, etc, we clearly know the kind of person we are dealing with. So this is the woman Afkah chooses to spend his nights and mornings with now. Well, not anymore I guess. At least he says not but he also said he would never cheat on me or hurt me, and unfortunately Pathy was not the only one.

So Afkah is freaking out, saying I can write anything I want about him but take down the stuff about Pathy. He said it’s not fair to her. IT’S NOT FAIR TO HER? LIKE I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT IS FAIR FOR EITHER OF YOU PEOPLE? I was appalled.

So yeah, this girl wants to hurt me and I wasn’t really freaking out about it because my girlfriend that’s a prosecutor let me know all the penal codes, and all that legal jazz. Basically, since I don’t use real names I’m not liable for any legal action to be taken on me. And that under California Penal Code section 422 it basically says that a threat is a criminal offense. She straight out threatened me.

Whatever. I actually don’t give a crap about her kicking my ass or whatever.

I care about the over the top intense feelings I went through yesterday.

Mainly I feel rage. A deep, poisonous rage that is coursing through my veins. I feel like a fool. I feel humiliated. The fact that it’s the same girl that he’s talked such trash about and expressed his lack of respect for her, (he doesn’t respect me either, obviously,) was really the ultimate slap in the face. I know there were many others, but those don’t sting half as much as Pathy does. Mostly because I knew her. I’d make a silly comment to her at the gym about her squats or something. I thought she was nice. She’s not nice. I know I should feel bad for her and eventually have love in my heart for her but I’m pretty sure that will never happen.

Ugh I really don’t to waste anymore time on Pathy. She is nothing to me, really. Afkah, on the other hand, is something to me. And I am so exceptionally furious with him, I’m positive it will never be ok between us. This really sucks. He will be in my life forever and this really, really sucks. Aside from me sending him the occasional rude text, we get along great. I’ve mentioned that he comes over and sometimes Willa’s napping when he arrives so we chill together. Have some laughs, catch up on lives, (wow, he wasn’t very good at catching me up on his life,) and have a pleasant time. Lots of times I sit with them while he’s giving Willa dinner, and lots of times we lay in bed like a family and he reads books to us. We all love it, Afkah included.  Even after we split,  I considered him my close family. If something good happened, bad happened, I still called him first. And I’m still pretty sure I was his number one homee in that sense as well. Well, that my friends is GONE. It’s gone. I don’t want to look him in the eye let alone read in MY bed with him. I can say with all certainty, I hate him. I hate him so much for putting me through so much. As long as he’s in my life, which is always, I will have a fear in me that I will be hurt. Every time I think he’s done hurting me something worse happens. What’s next? Will I have an STD? Will he get someone pregnant? What’s it gonna be? It’s terrifying knowing I will never be “safe.” So that’s what I’m currently destroyed and infuriated by. And the whole lies and deception part but that’s obvi.

So last night I got home from my friend’s house and said goodbye to him. I told him I hate him when I think about everything, but when he’s standing there in front of me I am flooded with memories and it overwhelms me. I cried, held his face, called him the nickname I’ve always called him, said this is the last time this will ever happen. I kissed his cheeks, he told me he has issues and wants to fix himself, and it doesn’t have to be bad between us forever. It’s done, though. Our friendship is done and our family is done. I told him I had loved him so much. I still loved our family even after he moved out, even though I never wanted to reconcile, I loved our “family” time.  He said he truly loves that time too and knows with work we can get there again. I told him I don’t want to do that work. Please know, this is not coming from a romantic or possibly getting back together place, I’m strictly talking about our friendship which I have officially flushed down the toilet. And that makes me really sad. I’ll miss that. We cried, hugged, and from now on I will do my best to completely avoid him and not have to look at this stranger’s face.

As of now I need to release the hatred. It is deathly. This anger is weighing me down something fierce. It’s gonna be around for a goodly long while so I guess I just need to accept it. Today is going to be a better day.

It already is..

In other news, I’ve been speaking to “Ryan” on the phone and texting like cray. He called yesterday and I couldn’t be fake. I told him what was going on, had to tell him about the blog, and that he’s in it. He later told me he didn’t do any of his work and read my entire blog. Said he was super impressed by it. Said, “If a friend forwarded this to me and told me to read it, I swear I would find you and ask you out. No question. Has that happened yet? I’m sure it will.” I don’t think he’s too keen about being written about but did appreciate that I called him “funny and ripped.”  Ryan is funny so I’m enjoying the convos.He’s away for a week so I won’t see him till Saturday, which will be the fourth second date.

I’ll end here.

Thank you so much for reading.

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