Although I can’t escape the abominable feelings that race through my mind, some good has come from this for me.
Yes, I still run through the past 5.5 years of my life through my head. I am still constantly putting the pieces together, thinking about everything that made me feel crazy, everything that made me feel invalidated, and everything that he put me through. I’m completely obsessed with it. I had a newborn and he was lying to me about working at night. This is a fact, he admitted it. I felt so sorry for him that he worked so much I tried to get his friends to fly out here to surprise him to “pick him up.” I think how he skipped seeing Willa on his 40th birthday to spend it with “Pathy.” I think about all the women besides Pathy too. I could write 17 paragraphs about what I still spend a lot of time thinking about.
I convinced myself I was ugly, annoying, not worthy of love. If my husband doesn’t want my body, who would? I wrote a blog about how I “lost my mojo.”
“Afkah” told me during his admission that he didn’t respect the other girls. I was his girlfriend and then wife, a sweet, beautiful, respectable woman, and his sexual views of me changed. Lucky for me I’d much rather be the angel than the whore.
This is where the positivity comes in to play.
IT WAS NEVER ME.
I was not the problem.
I HAVE NEVER FELT SO CONFIDENT ABOUT MYSELF IN MY LIFE.
I feel beautiful.
I feel SEXY.
I walk around the house in lingerie so I can look at myself.
My tight, round little ass is back. My flat stomach is back. My boobs are smaller than they were due to breastfeeding for a year but they are perky again. Afkah even says, “You really look like you never had a baby.”
I feel hotter than I did a decade ago when I had long, flowing hair and not a care in the world.
I LOVE MYSELF.
Inside and out.
Even though the last chapter of my life was a complete sham, even though the lovely post-split family I had is gone, I can have the peace of mind knowing I did nothing wrong. I would’ve done the crazy sexual things he does with these other women, he just had too much “respect” for me he says. Laughable, I know, but it’s sort of good to hear.
My cousin Spencer contacted me and proposed that I really need to look at myself now. I need to figure out what is in me that loves people like this? I married him even though I must’ve known who he really was. What about me is so willing to settle for no love? I told him I really do need to go to that deep place of self reflection but don’t have it in me yet.
I also told Spencer who “Ryan” actually is because I saw Spencer is FB friends with him. He went nuts, so excited because he “loves” Ryan. Says he is a “quality dude” and is surprised he’s still single. This made me very happy until Spencer told me that he’s only met him once. Hahaha.
So that’s that.
I definitely still haves waves of terror. I am seething mad and full of hatred for Afkah. But I know I am one hot mamma who is funny and kind to boot.
The picture is of me 18 days before my wedding, the best I’ve ever looked, and me now. Not to damn shabby…
I’ll end here.
Thanks for reading.