My weekend in Palm Springs was a serious blast.
8 girls, pimpy house, zero drama, and more laughs than I can count. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. We all did.
They insisted I take the master suite which was huge, beautiful, and it was so sweet that they wanted to spoil me. One of my friends said I was the “glue” that got and kept all of us together and I was really touched.
Total perf weekend for sure.
“Afkah” has been wanting to explain to me how everything went down with his affair. He thought if I knew all of the details it would make me understand and feel a bit better about everything. After swearing I wouldn’t write his details in this blog, he basically spilled his guts. Not sure what parts are true, what parts are lies, but I can definitely tell you it did NOT make me feel any better about all of it. He admits that what he did was horrendous, not worth it, he wishes he could turn back time and “make it right,” and is terribly sorry. Even though I was absolutely sickened by the details I didn’t have any fight left in me. I told him that he hurt me so profoundly. He told me it wasn’t anything I did wrong and that he was so very sorry. Didn’t really help.
I wanted to talk with him more about this. Could it actually help me heal? He was here tonight (It’s 2:50am right now on the day of my birth,) and we started civilly talking while Willa was awake. It got awkward so he asked if we could continue after she went to bed. So we picked the convo back up. He said my blog was slanderous, trash, disgusting, and makes me look awful. I asked, no begged, for him to finally tell me what are these lies I’m telling. He said, “I’ll go through it right now!”
Here’s what he said are lies:
Blog says, “That night after hours of interrogation, he admitted to having this “emotional affair,” and told me her name. Said the woman who approached me at the farmer’s market was this gym rat’s friend. Now I’m sure it was another one of his cheats but I’ll never know.”
He says I’m a liar because the farmer’s market chick was in fact NOT one of his cheats and he had never seen her before. Ok, no prob, you guys. Let’s give it to him. I am now stating the the woman who accosted me at the farmer’s market was NOT someone he had cheated on me with.
Blog says, “Fortunately for him and unfortunately for me, he continued to get laid by other woman, while every once in a blue moon he was sweetly exposing me to the probable STDs he was getting. Note to self, get STD panel Monday.”
He was very incensed about this because in no way, shape or form does he probably have an STD that he could’ve handed down to me. I’m pretty sure I said, “probable STDs, not factual STDs,” but I’ll give this one to him as well. I did come back with a clean STD panel so I guess saying he probably had an STD from the woman with no self respect or morals that he was cheating on me with is a bold faced lie. Wow, such slander from my end. I’m sorry, Afkah.
Final blog quote before he either realized he was getting nowhere with this because he had no real argument here, or just got tired of reading through this blog was this question I posed to “Pathy”:
“Please tell your adoring new fans how one continues to date a man who gets married, has a baby, and leaves his sweet wife alone with said child so he can have anal sex with you?”
OK people. THEY DID NOT HAVE ANAL SEX. This is a lie, he says. I think it’s pretty clear that it was somewhat of a joke when I wrote it. I don’t know what kind of sex they had. Pretty sure my readers know this as well, but want to clarify for the record. NO ANAL SEX!
So yes, this blog, very slanderous indeed. That’s all he could come up with before he gave up.
I asked him why he thinks he’s such a good person. He said he does nice things for people all of the time. I asked for two examples. He said he could give me thousands of examples. I said two would suffice.
When his sister was in between jobs he made up a fake job and work for her to do and paid her thousands of dollars because he knew she “wouldn’t take it” otherwise. I personally think it’s odd to make someone do fake work instead of just mailing them a check, but that’s just me. So yes, very nice of him to help her out.
This is a direct quote. “I compliment people all the time.”
Aside from him telling me I’m a great mother all the time I can count the compliments I’ve received over 5 years on one and a half hands. I would get dolled up for him, wait an hour to see if he’d compliment me, then have to ask him if he thought I looked beautiful. The answer was always an uninspired, “Yes, of course,” or something like that. But I’m super glad that he thinks this is one of the things that redeems him. Complimenting people you barely know is very important in life…
It got super ugly.
I really think after all he’s done to me he owes it to me to just let me be rude and get it out of my system. He does not agree with this.
This part is a little blurry.
I believe he said something like, “We will get past this. I am Willa’s father…” To which I said, “Yeah, unfortunately.”
I need to backup for a second. Even though I said I would never speak to him after finding all of this out, I do. I still lay in bed with them and read books, still sit with them when they have dinner, still love “family” time. I do.
So, after the, “unfortunately” comment he got up in a huff to leave. I said something along the lines of, “there ya go, bail when you can’t handle getting insulted.” He said I’m impossible to talk to, and always have been. I disagree. Forgive me for interrupting you mid sentence to call you out on your constant bullshit. Am I wrong in thinking he should have to take whatever I dish out?! Haven’t I earned at least that? He doesn’t think so. This next part is really a blur. If I’m lucky he’ll correct any of my mistypes again and I can give you the full story but I don’t remember exactly how it went down. I do remember when he screamed “FUCK YOU” at me several times. I of course said, “how dare you say that to ME, you are a horrible person.” He said he’s no more horrible than me and it was a “fuck you” off which he started by him saying it in the first place. Don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my life and I SPIT IN HIS FACE. First time I’ve done that in my life for sure. He commented on how it was “classy,” and being that I actually am classy, the sarcasm didn’t really bother me.
So, yeah. I spit in the face of the person I chose to give my life to. Reflecting back on this all just makes me sad. It didn’t have to be like this but I only blame him. I am clean. And I hate to admit this but I still have so much love in my heart for him. Even though I think the last five plus years of my life were a lie, I do have a place in my heart for him. I have zero desire to reconcile, and am not “in love” with him, but there is so much love. Still. Maybe that’s why it’s so gut wrenching.
Tonight I fell right asleep as soon as I got into bed. I felt at peace for some crazy reason. Usually my mind races like crazy and it takes me hours to fall asleep. Obviously now it’s the middle of the night, well, morning, actually, and I’m up but at least I was at peace when I laid my head on my pillow.
I don’t know what the next step is. I will see him tomorrow. I start therapy next week. I know I’ve needed to go since the day he told me he was leaving me, even before I knew about the disgusting affair. Just wasn’t ready. I’m ready now.
Right now it’s my birthday. Damn it I deserve a good year this year. Here’s to hoping.
Thanks for reading.