Realization.

I’ve always known this about myself but have been trying to fool myself of late because I want to be something I’m not.
I’m not a booty-call kind of chick.
I feel weird today.
Experiencing something so personal with someone I’m not in love with or starting to fall in love with isn’t really my jam, I guess.
Yesterday and the night of I was totally cool with it but now I’m overthinking and don’t love this feeling.
Damn!
I’ve been talking for weeks about how I just want a casual, fun hook-up and now that it’s happened I feel weird. It’s just such a personal thing and in no way “casual” to me. It never really has been. Perhaps because my husband had lots of casual sex while I was pregnant and after I was pregnant and it makes me want to show myself, “hey! I can do this too!”
I don’t think I want to anymore. I know the guy is reading this right now and feeling awful. He’s awesome! He’s just a friend, not a boyfriend, and it’s a “boyfriend” kind of thing for me. I assume him and I are on the same page that we’re not bf/gf material anyways.
I don’t know what the next step is.
Do I do the old, “work on yourself” bit with no distractions? I’m in therapy, exercising, growing the hair out, eating clean, etc.
Or do I do the old, “work on yourself” bit and still try to find love?
As we all know, I hate the process. Detest it.
I sure do love it when I’ve found him and the feeling is mutual though. I’m a great girlfriend/wife and love being in a partnership. I miss it and I want it.
So, yeah.
Maybe there will be another blog entry soon, maybe not.
Thank you for reading!
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