Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!
I have been dreading this week.
For many years I’ve spent Christmas on the east coast with my husband, his friends, and family.
It’s a time I have truly cherished.
Afkah and I get to spend quality time together, we get to see his friends who I adore and consider my friends too, and not worry about about work and LA traffic. I’d get to be with my mother and father in law, eating delicious meals she cooks, going to our favorite restaurants “back home,” and playing games around their dining room table. Afkah and I would throw an annual dinner party for all of our peeps there, where we would spend hours laughing and catching up. We go to his Aunt’s house Christmas Eve, tell stories about years past, which would make us all crack up.
I LOVED IT.
That’s obviously not the case for Christmas 2016.
Afkah said I’m welcome to come but, uuhhhm, I’ll pass this time. Thanks.
Afkah’s best friend’s girlfriend Rachel was going to come stay with me for a few days over this time, because we are quite close, spend nearly every day together over the Christmas holiday, and we were really going to miss each other this year. Unfortunately, Afkah bought his tickets with Willa too late, so Rachel and I have to take a rain check.
I was terrified I’d be missing Willa intensely. I’ve only spent a few weekends away from her and now she’s gone for a week? She’s also at a point where she’s very attached to me, and I thought she’d be so angry and hurt that I abandoned her. All of this not to mention the fact that I’m mourning the ghosts of Christmases past, it’s been a lot to deal with. The day they left I weighed 89lbs. Yeah, people, I know that’s not cute. I’m a health and fitness professional, have never had any “food issues,” and know this is not cool. And I’m an eater. I live to eat, not eat to live, but the weeks before they left I really was so down the thought of food made me cringe. I was just eating to live.
I made a ton of plans for this week.
My sister and I were signed up to build a house for Habitat For Humanity which unfortunately was cancelled due to the rain.
Instead we ran a bunch of errands and actually had an amazing day. Yes, I missed my little lady, but as we were walking out of the Whole Food’s parking lot in the rain I exclaimed, “I love only trying to keep myself alive and not being responsible for anyone else!”
Dare I say, I’m really loving my freedom and having a wonderful week.
I don’t have to worry about anything except myself and it’s liberating. I had no idea I really needed this break from responsibility. I’m relishing it.
Afkah sends me pics and videos of Willa and we FaceTime every day. She’s having a blast and doesn’t seem to be missing me at all which is more than I could’ve hoped for. She looks at our Christmas card at my inlaws’ house and exclaims, “Mama!!!!” but has not been longing for me at all it seems. I’m relieved.
I stayed with some of my best friends over Christmas (my family is Jewish and doesn’t do Christmas,) and it was perfect. We walked to our friends’ super fun Christmas Eve party where I met a ton of interesting people and we had our own party on Christmas Day.
I will now tell a side story about Christmas Eve and my hair.
So, I’ve been straightening my hair for over a decade.
I have crazy curls and they were slightly traumatizing as a child. I had a huge fro growing up and even though I was told it was “cute” I never loved it. I grew it out, learned how to manage it, and with the help of A LOT of products I could make it look pretty. It was really a part of my identity; Ali P., the girl with the long curly hair. As soon as I discovered my first good flat iron, I never looked back. Now, Willa’s “real hair” is coming in. And it’s just like mama’s. Tight little ringlets which are freaking adorable. I realized I never want her to see me doing my hair and say, “Mommy, why do you burn the curls out of your hair? Can I burn the curls out of mine?” A few weeks ago I decided I’m not going to iron my hair anymore. Let us remember that I am also growing out a pixie cut so the result is this crazy curly mop on my head. The first week or so I wore loose beanies, with little curly tendrils coming out at the front. That sort of broke me in. One day I decided I would just go for it. I would rock the fro without a hat.
And I rocked it.
I actually love it.
I get insecure about it at times but for the most part I feel unique, and happy to be embracing the real me.
I went to a party on Friday night and the hair response from some of my old pals was encouraging.
On Christmas Eve I was all dolled up and had a wave of insecurity about my hair. I searched for a Santa hat to wear so I could hide the mop. Nobody had one. I walked into the party and within minutes one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen said to me, “OH MY GOD! I love your hair!!!” I got teary eyed and I hugged this stranger. It was pretty cool. My friends who saw me scrounging for a Santa hat were loving this interaction.
End of hair story.
As you know, Afkah pays all of my bills. I live in fear of the day that he tells me that Pathy is pregnant and I’m on my own. I came to a decision I need to learn how to support myself again. I love being a trainer. If I could pick any job, that’s what it would be. The problem is, I lost almost all of my clients when I had Willa and I’m having a terrible time trying to build it back up to what it was. I have schedule restraints now, and quite frankly I lost the chutzpah I once had to try to drum up business. I lost the I the ability to hustle. I decided I’d go back to school and switch careers. Dental hygienist, paralegal, pysical therapist, something, anything with benefits, a set schedule, and something where I could do my job and forget about it at home. A job where I can pay the bills and take my kid to Disney’s Aulani resort in Hawaii. My cousin is a career college counselor so she gave me a bunch of tests to take. Personality tests, interest tests, etc. She told me that according to the tests I’d be a great personal trainer, but she understands I want to go a different route so she’d help me figure out what schooling I’d need. I completed some college after high school but I was also a working actress and it was hard to go to class because I’d book a show or commercial and have to work. I dropped out. She said the classes I’d need to take were things like Chemistry, biology, statistics, and basically everything that makes me want to barf.
We had a meeting where we really mapped out my goals and came up with this:
1. I am going to get a higher certification where I am a pre and postnatal personal training specialist.
2. I am going to re-brand myself with this as my specialization.
3. I will network with obstetricians, physical therapists, mommy and me teachers, etc.
4. By the end of June I will have this certification, have at least 25-35 sessions a week, and 3-5 ongoing referral sources.
And if I don’t, I will revisit the “real job” path.
And that’s that.
So, after my last blog post I got a Facebook message, an Instagram message, and a photo comment from Pathy. Her message was quite nice, actually, and she didn’t seem unstable. She said that Afkah is still lying about their relationship. That she has met Willa and that Willa’s “favorite toy” is the drum set which she bought her. Well, Afkah lied about her being around Willa, so totally not shocked. She said he says horrible things about me too, which I already know, and that I’m the one who needs to be careful. Yes, I’m aware of this, but the difference is that I’ve never wanted him back after I found out he cheated. I want him to stop hurting me and lying to me, but I don’t want to be with this man. She said he’s a “narcissist and a sociopath and has much deeper routed issues than she thought.”
Immediately I called Afkah to tell him about this. He says he brought Willa to his apartment to pick something up and Pathy was conveniently walking her dog again and saw Willa with him. “That is wasn’t really a meeting.” Hahahahaaaa he’s the best!
While we were on the phone he forwarded me 3 emails from her. The first said she and I have a mutual friend who let her know I was coming home with him, and that’s why he blocked her again. So I couldn’t see his phone. She was pretty much begging him to talk to her because the “holidays are emotional for her” and not speaking to him would make it extra hard. She hopes Willa likes the gift she made for her. That even though they’re not “in a relationship anymore” he should still have love for her and acknowledge her. The next emails got more and more angry, saying he’s the worst person she knows and that him and I deserve each other and she’s going to sue me for talking about her this blog. I have spoken to a lawyer too, a real lawyer, not one in my head, and there’s nothing she can do. I don’t use her name, we don’t have any mutual friends, so not sure why she’d waste time threatening that, but it’s cool.
Look, I’m down with Pathy now, and I am supportive of them getting back together. I swear on my life I was fantasizing about all of us having lunch at a restaurant and having a good time. I don’t want to have a sit down with her alone, don’t really want to see possible pictures of her with my family and texts where he tells her he loves her and hates me, don’t think it’s necessary. Maybe she doesn’t have those things, I don’t want to know either way.
I do get waves of terror sometimes but for the most part feel at peace by accepting their relationship which I have no doubt will rekindle, especially since I’m all for it. I have no desire to be friends with Afkah at this moment. He doesn’t have my back and never really has it seems. As a matter of fact, he seems to really just like stabbing me in it. If I didn’t have to have him in my life it would be awesome, but as you all know, that will never be the case, and he’s good to Willa and she deserves that.
Today I’m going to do Project Angel Food deliveries with my cousin Joanna, where we will be delivering meals to sick people around LA. Tomorrow I have clients and a birthday dinner at night. Wednesday I have therapy then will be reunited with my angel. Thursday we have a family Hanukkah party and Friday we have a Hanukkah party with all my mommy friends and Willa’s toddler besties. Willa and I will head up to a friend’s cabin in Big Bear to celebrate New Years where she’ll be surrounded by kids she loves.
All is ok. I am a lucky mama.
Happy Holidays and thank you for reading!