37 Days.

WordPress alerted me that it’s been 37 days since my last post so I guess that means I should sit down and write!

I’m on a dating hiatus so there hasn’t been anything to write about. I’m actually considering giving up on trying to find my life partner all together, but for now it’s just a hiatus.

I don’t want to get hurt again.

I can’t get hurt again.

Willa has no idea that my world crumbled in front of our eyes. I’ve been very careful not to break down in front of her. It’s much easier because she’s a baby. What happens if my heart gets broken when she knows what the hell is going on? No child should have to see their parent go through the depths of hell. Not to mention the fact that if I did meet a nice guy, he is SCREWED.

“Hey honey, where are you?”

“I’m at work.”

“Are you really at work??? Take a picture and send it to me NOW! Time stamp it! I don’t believe youuuuuuu!!!”

Who wants to date a woman with this much baggage and zero trust in her heart?

The crazy thing is, I’m totally ok with this. It brings me peace.

I want to be happy alone and with Willa. I want to start making money again, not depend on Afkah for anything, and be able to take my kid to Disney’s Aulani Resort in Hawaii without being strapped for cash. This is what I fantasize about instead of fantasizing about some man who will sweep me off my feet.

I mentioned I was going to get a new personal training certification, different from the general one I have now.

I did what I said.

Studied my ass off, turned in 19 pages of essay questions with a case study, and two weeks later I received an email that I passed the test and am now a Certified Pre/Postnatal Exercise Specialist. I had professional pictures taken which I’m very happy with. I usually HATE pictures of myself but am pleased with how they came out. My abs look tight and my fro is in full force. My new website is under construction and my business cards are being printed. It feels great to know I’m staying positive and moving forward with my new life goals.

So, generally, I’m feeling good.

I had a breakthrough in therapy regarding Afkah.

I realized it’s my fault, not his, and it’s way easier to be mad at myself. I love myself and can forgive myself so it’s a much better way for me to look at the situation.

Makes no sense, right?

It does. Check it out:

I always knew the kind of person Afkah is. He showed me early on. If someone shows you who they are you really should believe them. I was dumb. Desperate and dumb. I wanted a husband, a family, and settled for a bad man. It’s my fault. He can’t help that he’s a lying scumbag. He can’t. It’s who he is and who he’s always been. I didn’t have to marry him. I did. We had some wonderful times. I got an amazing child out of it. Are Afkah and I besties? God no. But we do go on outings together and I’m way less angry at him. It makes my days happier. And that’s what’s important to me now.

I’m sure you’re wondering about Pathy. I hesitate to write about her because she really does scare the shit out of me.

But I shall.

As you know, her messages to me were quite nice and she didn’t seem very crazy. The emails she sent to my husband were crazy but I understood she was sad that he threw her out like garbage again. I mean, she should’ve expected, when you fuck a married man with a pregnant wife in a car, you are garbage, so you deserve to be treated as such, but I understood her because she somehow doesn’t see it this way. But then something happened to solidify her insanity. So, I never responded to any of her messages. This must’ve gotten her in a tizzy because she did something really nuts. I wish I could screen shot this and post it here but you would see her name, and I wouldn’t know how to do that on this blog even if you couldn’t see her name. I will try to recreate it the best I can. Over the Facebook messenger this is what I saw:

Pathy (but it says her actual name) changed the emoji to: horse emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: poodle emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: horse emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: bomb going off emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: poodle emoji

Pathy changed the emoji to: horse emoji

Pathy changed the color of the conversation to: lavender

Pathy changed the emoji to: poodle

Pathy changed the emoji to: horse

Pathy changed the emoji to: bomb

AND ON AND ON AND ON. Kept going like 15 more times.

I swear. She obviously didn’t know I could see every time she changed it so I’m sure she’s mortified that I know she spent God knows how much time changing the emoji and conversation colors. She ended up choosing the horse emoji, FYI. She also told me she isn’t going to read this blog anymore because this whole situation has become too toxic. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. DYING. Oh, now it’s toxic? And riiiiight, I’m sure she goes nowhere near this blog. Wink emoji.

All of this being said, I swear on my life I am rooting for them to get back together because I think they are the perfect pair. And maybe if they’re together it will calm her down and she won’t be as cookoo.

So here I am!

It’s one day at a time but today and the last few weeks I’ve been pretty chill and at peace.

That’s all I’ve got and thank you for reading

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